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1) In a Place I don’t want to be
I stood in my window watching the rain roll down the glass like the tears on my face. It was 4:31 in the morning and school didn’t start for another three hours. Most kids would be asleep dreaming happy dreams right now. Then again I am not like most kids.
As I watched the rain fall out of the sky I touched my cheek. It stung when my hand made contact with it , but I guess if you were punched in the face it would hurt when you touched it.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and touched the cold window one more time. I turned away from my window to face a room the reeked with the painful memories that ate away at my mind.
I quickly rushed over to my closet and opened the door. When I looked into the closet I completely ignored the box on the floor in the far left corner. I grabbed a dark green long sleeved shirt and my black jeans.
I owned mostly long sleeved shirts to hide the things no one should see. I did not like to think about the consequences if someone saw the fast array of black and purple that consumed my arms and back.
I flinched as the shirt rubbed one of my more fresh bruises. I quickly shook my head to dismiss those thoughts. I couldn’t handle thinking about him and what he did last night. I had already been thinking about to many things that I shouldn’t this morning. If I didn’t stop soon I will end up on the floor curled up in a ball.
After I finished getting dressed I grabbed my makeup bag and quickly ran across the hallway into the bathroom. I had to hurry in the mornings and get everything done before my personal demon woke up.
When I got into the bathroom I locked the door and turned to face the mirror. I was not surprised to see the huge fist shaped bruise on my face. I can’t believe that my own father, Charlie, a police chief would do this to me. It sickens me to even think of his name.
I pulled out my cover up and delicately sprinkled it on my face. I could feel the brush rub the tender area. It burned like hell but I would not make any noise. I did not want to wake the demon that rested just a few feet away.
After I finished with my make up I ran a brush through my hair. I always wore it down so I could hide my face . I hate excess attention. I quickly put my brush away and looked in the mirror one more time.
I sometimes wonder how the girl in the mirror could be me. I used to look in the mirror and see a girl with bright happy eyes staring back at me but now all I see is a dead corpse. No light shined my eyes anymore. All they were was pools of color that had iced over because of the pain.
I turned away from the mirror and rushed out the door. I then turned down the hallway and ran down the stairs. When I reached the bottom stair I tripped and landed with my face eating carpet.
I picked myself up and ran to the kitchen. When I entered the room I immediately opened up the fridge and pulled out the stuff I was going to use to make him breakfast.
I turned on the stove and quickly started cooking.
When I was done I made him a plate and covered it up. As soon as I was done with that I ran back upstairs to get my jacket. I opened my door and ran and grabbed my black hoddie and converse.
When I was done putting them on I ran out my bedroom door and bee lined it for the stairs. It was already 7: 00. Charlie would be up any minute.
I Grabbed my back pack that was by the door and ran out into the morning rain. I was running down the driveway when I slipped and landed on my butt.
I Hurried and picked myself up before he came outside and told me I forgot something. Which usually meant he wanted to hit me a few more times before I went to school.
As soon as I was stable on my feet again I took off running. I normally ran until I turned the corner. He was to lazy to come this far just to get me back to the house to hit me.
I am a very clumsy person, but when it came to running I was as fast as the wind. I guess when you spend most of your time running you become pretty good at it.
After I finally rounded the last corner I stopped running and started to walk. It was raining cats and dogs so I pulled the hood to my sweater up.
I lived about ten minutes from Port Angeles high school. My dad is the police chief of this small city. I have lived here for the past few years of my life. My mom died last year of cancer. That is why my dad beats me. He says it’s my fault, and for all I know it is.
I used to have this friend named Jacob. He was awesome. He knew about Charlie too. He was the only real friend I had, but he died in a car accident about three months ago on Christmas eve.
It hurts to think about them. Before any of those things happened I was a happy girl. I had friends. I was a straight A student . I was perfectly happy. I was Isabella Swan.
Now I was nothing but an empty shell. I had no core no heart. I live each day trying to get through it minute by minute. I am no longer the person I used to be. I had no friends. I had bad grades. I am no longer happy. I am no longer Isabella swan either.
As I approached the school I rid myself of all those thoughts. I had to stay clear minded here or else I would be hurt even more.
As I walked into the hallways I could already hear all the kids whispering their rumors about me.
Did you hear that she slit her moms throat when she was sleeping?
I heard she used to sell drugs. Then she got addicted herself and stopped.
I heard she was driving drunk with her friend and crashed the car. He died too.
Look how she walks around here with her head held down. I bet she expects us to pity her.
Even though everything they said was untrue it still hurt. I hate that people make such rude assumptions about me, but I guess that’s life. I was walking down the hall with my head facing the ground. Then suddenly a foot flew out in front of me and made me fly forward.
As I landed on my face and my head smashed against the linoleum. The halls erupted in laughter.
“ Watch were your going Swan.” Some unknown person snarled at me .
Hi I’m Isabella Marie Swan, and I want nothing more than to die.
2) Decisions
As the day wore on and I was messed with by countless people. Every little thing they said hit me like a gun shot straight through the heart. As I sat at a table by myself during lunch eating nothing but an apple, I could hear all the things they were saying. Most of the students didn’t even bother with whispering. They were all perfectly content with hurting me beyond repair. I tried to tune out their voices but I couldn’t. It was like some sick twisted way of torture.
After I had an earful I stood up and walked out of the cafeteria. I always left lunch early because I couldn’t take their whispers for that long.
As I made my way to English I could feel the stares penetrate my back. You would think that nobody liking me would make everyone ignore me right? The sad thing was it was like being center stage tied up with puppet strings. Everyone would watch me walk down the hallways with my head down. They would all laugh when I fell. They would all whisper crude comments about me.
They were like little robots. All centered on picking on me. Or at least that what it felt like.
As I walked into my last class for the day I was called to the front of the class by the teacher.
“Isabella?” Ms. May asked in her usual quite voice. She was the nicest teacher in the school. She even taught my favorite subject. English. The only flaw about her was that I could tell she knew about Charlie and she still did nothing.
“Yes Ms. May?” I asked in the same tone as her.
“Do you have your report? It was due on Friday but you weren’t here,” she said while looking me in the eyes with a knowing look.
“Yeah it’s right here,” I said as I slipped it out of my backpack. I tried to disregard her comment about me being absent but my mind started against my will. Suddenly images of my weekend flashed in my mind. Charlie had decided to make me have a three day weekend and start hitting me on Friday.
“Bella?” Ms. May questioned in a worried voice.
“I’m fine. Here’s the report,” I quickly handed her the paper and took my seat in the back of the class.
As the class came to a close I shoved all my books in my bag. Right when I finished the bell rang. I rushed out the door as fast as I could. I had to get home and make Charlie dinner.
I was running through the parking when one of the students started to yell something out to me. At first I ignored the comment like I would normally do, but then I heard what he said.
“Hey Isabella! You know what? You’re just as big of a slut as your mom!” The moment I heard what he said I stopped dead in my tracks. The students always commented on me, but none of them had ever made a comment about my mom. I could handle them talking about me, but talking about my mom was taking it too far.
At that moment I didn’t think about what would happen when Charlie found out. I didn’t think about the pain I knew was coming. I just acted. For the first time since the day my mom’s heart stopped beating I didn’t think about the consequences.
It was like I was on auto pilot. I didn’t even feel my hand connect with his face. I didn’t hear all the surprised gasps. I didn’t even hear the teachers shouting my name.
I just stood there as he fell to the ground from the force of my hit. Then I could hear Ms. May whisper in my ear.
“Isabella what have you done? Do you know the consequences?” That’s when I snapped out of that state of mind. Suddenly I knew what was going to happen when I got home.
“Isabella go to the principal’s office now!” I heard Mr. Adams shout. I quickly did as I was told so I wouldn’t get in anymore trouble than I was.
As I sat in the office waiting for the principal to see me I could not stop the fear that washed over me.
“Isabella? I’ll see you now.” Mrs. Scoff directed me into her office.
“Bella in all my years at his school I never thought I would see you in here under these consequences. You have always had potential. Even before your grades started slipping. What happened Isabella?” She said while gazing into my eyes searching for an answer I couldn’t give her.
The truth was that I died. The moment my mom’s heart beat its last time my heart stopped too. I no longer cared about my grades. My only goal in life was to live through his beatings, and the only reason I didn’t want him to kill me is because I did not want to die at his hands.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged my shoulders and looked away.
“Well I’m sorry Isabella but I’m going to have to suspend you,” she said in an eerily calm voice. That’s when I really started to panic.
“What? Can’t I just get detention? What about him did he get in trouble?” I was beyond scared now. I was more than terrified. He could do so much damage.
“No I’m sorry you cannot get a detention for such a foul act. No he is not in trouble because he did nothing. You will be gone for two weeks.” She gave me look that said “that’s final”.
“Okay,” I whispered. I knew it was no use debating; I would just get a longer suspension.
“Your suspension starts tomorrow. You are dismissed.” She began to shuffle the papers on her desk.
I quickly stood up and exited her office. When I re-entered the office it was packed. Apparently I hit a member of the football team. As soon as I stepped out all the heads whipped in my direction. I could already hear the new whispers starting.
As I walked through the crowd of people they all moved out of my way. It was if I was some creature that carried the world’s most deadly disease.
As I opened the door I was hit with a burst of cold air. My head immediately felt clear and I could finally think again. I then remembered that I still had to make his dinner so I took off in a sprint.
As I ran I tried not to think. I just wanted to get home before him. As I rounded the last corner I picked up a little speed.
As I approached the house I was thankful to see that he was not home yet. I quickly unlocked the door and ran into the kitchen to start dinner.
When I was finished I set the food on the table and sat down to wait for him. He was honestly a very twisted soul. He liked me to act like a perfect daughter and call him dad. One of the reasons I am truly scared is because getting into a fight does not fall in the good daughter category.
Just then I could hear his car pull up. I was really starting to panic. Tonight would be brutal because he didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing the bruises. Then I could hear the door open.
“Hey Bells I’m home!” I flinched when he called me that. My mom and Jake both used to call me that.
“In here dad!” I shouted back. Right now we seem like a normal family right?
“What did you make? It smells delicious,” he said while taking the seat across from me.
“I made chicken parmesan. Is that okay?” I looked into his eyes to see if they flickered like they do when he’s mad.
“That’s perfect. How was your day Bells?” This is the part that I’ve been dreading.
“It was fairly good. Until the end of the day,” I said quietly.
“What happened?” Right then his eyes flickered. I lightly flinched knowing the pain that was about to come.
“Well I kinda punched a kid in the face and got suspended” I whispered.
“What was that?” He said in a monotone voice.
“I punched a kid in the face and got suspended,” I said a tad bit louder this time.
“How long are you suspended for?” He said with a sneer.
“Two weeks,” I said while I braced myself for the hit.
Today when he beat me he didn’t hold back. He repeatedly kicked me in the stomach with the toe of his boot until blood came out of my mouth. As usual I went into the numb state of mind I would always save for when he would hit me.
When he was done he walked out of the room to the go watch TV. As soon as he was gone I began to drag myself up the steps to my room. When I reached the side of my door I carefully pulled myself up against the wall so I could open the door.
By the pain I felt when I stood up I could tell that I had broken a rib or two. When I got into my room I closed the door behind me and sunk to the ground. I didn’t have the strength to make it to the bed.
As I laid there and cried I began to think. What would mom think if she saw her husband now? As I continued through these thoughts I began to think about how alone I was.
Every person I love was dead. Everyone else hated me for an unknown reason. As I continued to think about these things I realized something.
Chapter 3) When I’m Gone
As the dull gray light shined in through my window, my eyes began to flutter. When I finally gained consciousness, pain flew over me like a wave from the ocean. Every part of me was sore. I could tell I had definitely broken a rib.
As I leaned against the door I began to think more clearly. Where was Charlie? I hope he’s already left for work, and if he has how come he didn’t come and hit me a few more times?
I gently lifted myself off the ground using the wall to support as much of my weight as possible. I groaned in pain as I stood on my feet. I just wanted to slump back down on the floor again.
When I looked down to where I had been laying, I was surprised to see a small puddle of blood. I looked at my arms but couldn’t find any scratches. That’s strange. I made my way to the door and twisted the handle. .
I quickly looked both ways before continuing. I did not want to run into him if he still hadn’t made it to work yet. I gently opened the bathroom door and made my way to the mirror to inspect the damage.
When I looked into the mirror I could hardly recognize myself. There was dried blood running down my chin and my hair was a matted mess with little bits of it was red from lying in the blood also. Well I think I know where the blood came from.
I turned on the faucet and began to wipe off all the traces of blood. I did not want to have that on my face. Once I got all of that off my face I began on my hair.
When was completely done I looked exactly like I normally do. Minus the giant fist shaped bruise on my cheek. I lifted up my shirt so I could inspect the damage that was down to my stomach.
I could see light bruises scattered all across the skin. It was hideous. I could even lightly see were one of my ribs were bending at an awkward angle.
As I looked at the bruises on my stomach I began to remember what I had decided last night. Then that same thought flew through my head. No one would miss me if I was gone. As I continued to think about those words I realized how true that statement was.
As I looked in my mirror I realized I no longer had a reason to live. The only people who ever really cared were long gone. If I disappeared from the Earth Charlie would be jumping with joy. Why should I sit here and deal with all this pain when I could end it in a matter of seconds?
I looked in the mirror one more time and then began to walk towards the door. I knew exactly what I was going to do. I went and looked both ways done the hall then limped my way back to my room.
When I opened the door I immediately walked to the window to see if he was here. I would have jumped for joy if I could have; his cruiser was gone.
The moment I saw that I turned and walked to my closet. When I got to my closet I ripped open the door with a new found strength. It was strange it was like I couldn’t feel any pain at all. Just knowing that I would never have to feel it again made it all go away.
When I opened the closet I pulled out my favorite blue shirt. It was long sleeved of course, but my mom had bought it for me the Christmas before she died. I then grabbed a pair of black jeans and some blue ballet flats. Finally I grabbed my box that hid in the far corner.
I pulled on the clothing as fast as I could without hurting myself, and slipped on the flats. I grabbed my backpack and emptied all of its contents on the bed except one notebook and a pen.
I grabbed my box and began to take the stuff out of it.
Inside that box held every good memory I have ever had. It had all of my pictures of my mom and Jacob. I had locked all of this stuff up the day after Jacob’s funeral. After he died I couldn’t handle looking at them anymore.
It was strange how easy it was to think about them all of a sudden. It was like I was suddenly unable to feel any form off pain. It must be because I was going to be seeing them soon.
As soon as I was done loading the stuff into my backpack I took none last look at my room and headed to my door. I didn’t bother putting on cover up this time either. I knew I didn’t want to.
When they found me I wanted them to see the real me. Pain and all.
As I walked down the stairs I began to remember all the good memories in this place. Like when my mom and I would sit down and just talk till the early lights of dawn.
It was strange knowing I would never see this place again.
As I looked around myself one more time before I stepped outside. I did not bother locking the door. I honestly did not care what happened to that house.
It was strange when I finally looked around I noticed everything was suddenly clear. It was as if all this time I had been looking out a tinted window and suddenly it was no longer tinted.
I proceeded to walk down the street with a smile on my face. It was weird I hadn’t really smiled for months, but suddenly I felt like I could sit and smile at each person who passed. It was weird.
I continued down the street without being acknowledged once. I thought about everything in my life and all the things I wanted to do.
It was kind of sad knowing I would never get to see my kids grow up or publish a book, but I would rather do this then die at Charlie’s hands.
When I finally reached the edge of the woods it was strange. It felt strange knowing that I wouldn’t be on the face of this Earth in a few more minutes.
I quickly stepped into the woods and began to make my way to the cliffs. I remember when Jake first showed to them. It was so much fun hiking with him.
After a few minutes of being lost in my thoughts I had reached my destination. It was a few cliffs in the middle of the woods that had a long drop. It was perfect for what I was going to be doing.
I made way over to a bolder to sit on for a few minutes before I did what I came to do. I quickly sat down and began to think.
It was weird knowing that in few more minutes I would no longer have to feel pain. Although at the moment I was so numb I couldn’t feel my broken rib. It was funny thinking about what people’s reactions would be.
Nobody would ever suspect quiet Isabella to be suicidal, but that’s just because no one cared enough to pay attention.
I was fairly sure most of the students would feel guilty knowing that they were a partial reason I was sitting here today.
One person I really was thinking about was what would Ms. May think? I know she knew, but would she feel guilty for not doing anything?
Honestly I hope the students and my dad feel guilty.
I know it sounds awful but I wouldn’t be here at this moment without there most gracious help.
As I looked around myself one more time I felt weird. It was as if I was finally free. There was no more having to worry about what Charlie getting home or how bad the damage would be that night. Heck, I wouldn’t even have to listen to those rumors anymore.
As I looked up at the sky one more time I stood up and made my way to the cliffs. I didn’t bother taking off my backpack. I wanted to take my memories with me.
When I was standing at the edge I smiled. I would soon be seeing my mom and Jake. I took one final breath and stepped of the edge.
I’m finally free.
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