What the Hale

This was written by fanpirealice You can read the Original Here All Credit goes to the original author obviously.

It was a quiet day in the Cullen’s house. Bella was there so she and Edward were up in his room doing who knows what, and Emmett, the usual loud one, was hunting with Rosalie. Alice and Jasper sat on the couch, hand in hand.

“Hey, Jasper, Wanna see who can drink water the fastest?” Alice asked cheerfully.

“Honey, we don’t drink water.”

“Yes, but, it’d be fun!”

Jasper pursed his lips. “Alright.” He said with a smile.

They ran to the kitchen and were back on the couch with glasses of water in the next second.

“Okay,” Alice said, “one…”

“Two…” Jasper said.

“Three!” They both shouted at the same time and chugged down the water in half a second.

“Um… was that a… tie?” Jasper asked.

“I don’t know but-“ Alice stopped because she felt a strange jolt in her throat and it made her jump slightly.

“What, Alice?” Jasper asked, thinking she was having a vision. The jolt occurred again and this time Alice let out a little squeak. “Did you just…. Squeak?”

“I… I don’t know. It’s like this kind of”-jolt with a squeak-“explosion in my throat.” She answered. Bella came down the stairs with Edward. Alice hopped up.

“Hello, Bella! I didn’t know” She felt another jolt “you were here, want to go” –jolt- “Shopping?”

Bella giggled. “Alice, do you have the hiccups?”

Alice gasped. “Is that what that is? The” –squeak- “explosion in my throat?”

“It’s called a hiccup, and that’s when you eat or drink something really fast… wait I thought you didn’t eat…” Bella was confused.

“Jasper and I” –squeak- “Got bored. This is starting to get” –squeak- “very annoying!” Edward chuckled softly.

“So now someone gets a taste of their own medicine. You finally know how it is to be annoyed, huh, Alice?” He said. Alice just stuck her tongue out at Edward and walked back to the couch.

“How do I” –squeak- “Get rid of them?” Alice asked. Edward was suddenly angry.

“Look it up online, Alice.” He said, and took Bella back upstairs. Alice growled quietly but went over to the computer and searched “How to get rid of hiccups” on Google. One way was to plug your nose and hold your breath for as long as possible. Alice decided to try it, and she hiccupped as she walked back to the couch to sit next to Jasper. She sat down and plugged her nose.

“Alice… Honey… what are you doing?” Jasper asked, looking at her like she was insane.

“One of the ways” –hiccup- “to get rid of”-hiccup-“hiccups is to hold your breath and”-hiccup- “plug your nose.” She replied.

“Alice, you don’t need to breath.”

“Jasper, please I really want to…” She hiccupped and took a deep breath. “Dang it! Now I have to” –hiccup-“start over! Jasper please be quiet.” She plugged her nose again and held her breathe. Jasper rolled his eyes and wait for Alice to stop hiccupping.

-Five days later-

Alice was in the same position that she was five days ago, however her hiccups were long gone. Emmett and Rosalie found it amusing. She decided to stop plugging her nose, that holding her breath would be enough. She sat there, swaying to a song in her head, looking up at the ceiling and all that Jazz.

“Alice, you don’t have hiccups anymore, you can breath and talk now.” Jasper said after he had enough.

“Nope, not going to risk it.” She said, using her last supply of oxygen to speak.

“You can’t talk anymore, can you?” He asked. Alice just shook her head. “So what if I asked you a question that required more than a yes or no answer?” Alice shrugged. “Do you want to go to the mall?” Jasper asked. Alice nodded spazztickly, a smile spreading across her face. “Which mall?” Jasper added with a grin. Alice’s smile faded and she looked up at Jasper with wide eyes. She had an idea and pointed her finger up to the ceiling. “What?” Jasper didn’t know what she was saying. Alice hopped up and ran up the stairs to Edward’s room.

Edward!!!!!!!!! Edward! Edward!!! She thought.

“What?” Edward asked her, clearly annoyed.

Come! Now! NOW! Alice grabbed Edward’s hand and ran down the stairs with him. She grinned. Translate for me, brother. Tell Jasper I want to go to the outlet mall by the beach! She laced her fingers together and looked up at Edward with pleading eyes. Edward smiled.

“Alice says she doesn’t want to go to the mall.” Edward said. Alice narrowed her eyes and slapped him on the shoulder.

Edward! No! Please just tell him! Please Edward!

“What?” Jasper asked, not believing it.

“In fact, she’s even mad that you brought it up!” Edward went on.

Edward! I hate you! Don’t say that! You’re not listening to me! EDWARD! Alice was stomping on the ground, making it look like she was mad that Jasper brought up the mall.

“See?” Edward asked, pointing to Alice. He chuckled softly.

Edward! You’re going dooown! Alice jumped on Edward’s back and started punching him in the head with the side of her fist. Edward just shrugged her off and ran up the stairs laughing. She gritted her teeth together and balled her hands into fists at her sides.

“Alice, please talk. I miss your voice.” Jasper said quietly. Alice put her hand on her not beating heart, walked over to Jasper, and then gave him a hug. “Will you? Please?”

Alice smiled and shook her head. Jasper sighed. “Well, how do I look? Come on, you know you want to say it. Just say it, go ahead.” Alice bit her lip, trying not to say anything. “You know you want to say it, Alice.” Jasper grinned and it made Alice forget why she was holding her breath.

She finally yelled “Sexy! Oh, Gosh, Jasper. You’re so sexy!” and jumped into his arms. Jasper chuckled, glad to hear her voice.

Alice sat on the Cullen’s couch, slightly jumping up and down. “Esme! Hurry up! We’re going to be late!” Alice called. Esme was upstairs, cleaning her already clean room.

“Alice, honey, it’s only 7:00, the movie starts at 12:00, remember?” Esme called from upstairs. Alice sighed in frustration.

“Yes, mother, but there is going to be a huge line! I can see it! So it’s best if we leave now so we can get good seats!” Alice hopped up from the couch and flew up the stairs to Esme’s room, grabbing her hand. “Come on! Come on!” She squealed as she pulled Esme out of her room.

“Okay, fine. We’ll go now. Are we running or taking your car?” Esme asked. Alice stopped and bit her lip.

“Well, if we run, the humans will be suspicious. So let’s take my Porsche. Oh, the humans will be so thrilled. Do you think they’ll recognize us?”

“We don’t look like anyone in the movie, but we look exactly like how we were written. So … maybe they will. And they are aware that you have a Porsche.”

“Well… Hopefully they’ll think we dressed up, let’s go!” Alice sprinted down the stairs and into the Cullen’s garage. She hopped in her car at the same time Esme did and pulled out, driving faster than ever. “How do you think they’ll portray us? Do you think they’ll do it good? What about Jasper? If they mess him up, I’m going to be very angry. What if they mess me up? Oooh I will have to have a talk with summit..” Alice babbled about the Twilight movie as they drove. Esme just listened and nodded and smiled, sometimes adding excited comments about how Peter Facinelli was very good for Carlisle and Elizabeth Reaser was a very good her, too.

“… I mean they already messed up his hair... OH! We’re HERE!” Alice grinned as she parked close to the entrance of the theater. When they were at the booth to get their tickets, the lady at the booth kept saying how well they dressed up. She said how she could barely tell that the paleness of their skin was make up. Alice grinned “Thank you, have a good night.” She said to the lady at the booth and skipped into the theater with Esme walking behind her.

“Wow! Look at them! They look a lot like Alice and Esme!”

“Whoa, they did really good with their costumes.”

“Oh my gosh! It almost looks like those people’s skin is actually that pale!” Esme and Alice heard people talking as they walked by. Alice was right, the line was very long. Luckily, they didn’t get there too late because they were the 3rd people in line. A guy who dressed up as Edward was first in line and he eyes Esme and Alice as they walked by.

“Good job with your costumes.” He commented smoothly, obviously trying to imitate Edward’s velvet voice.

“Why, thank you.” Esme said with a smile.

“You even have their jewelry. The Cullen crests. Where do you get them?”

Alice looked at the Edward imposter with a confused look. You could get them? She thought.

“Um… Online.” She said, giggling softly.

“Oh. Okay.” The Edward imposter said, chuckled slightly but not really knowing what there was to chuckle about.

Basically the 4 hours they waited to get in the theater consisted of Alice babbling about the movie more than she did in the car, and people in line constantly noticing the resemblance between how Stephenie Meyer described Esme and Alice and how Esme and Alice looked. Some of them wouldn’t leave them alone, asking them questions like “Where’d you get your costume?” “Where’d you get the make up?” and “How do you make the skin look real?” Alice and Esme would simply just answer to all the questions, “online,” because, honestly, you probably could get them online. The people who worked at the theater were getting angry, they said Esme and Alice and other Twi-Hards were so loud, they could hear them from inside one of the theater rooms.

Finally, at 11:00, the people let them in. Esme and Alice ran to get good seats; they got the best seats which were in the very middle of the theater. Alice clapped excitedly when the previews started. The Harry Potter preview came on and Alice went “BOOOOO!” but was shushed when she was hit on the arm by Esme. “What? Vampires can totally kick wizards’ butts!” Alice whispered.

The movie started with Bella talking, and Alice squealed and a lot of people “Woo!”d and clapped. In the scene where it shows the Cullens walking through the window, Alice spazzed in her seat because she saw Jasper. She LOLd when Jessica said “She’s with Jasper, the blonde who looks like he’s in pain.”

“Ha ha! Because he is in pain! Because he has to smell all the humans!... aww poor Jasper! I can’t believe Jessica thought I was weird… awww…” Alice babbled. She was quiet for most of the movie except for these parts:

The first time they showed Carlisle, Esme actually was a little loud…”Woo!!! It’s my man! Oooh look at him he is SMOKIN! Well, they sure picked Carlisle good!”

When Rosalie broke the bowl Alice yelled “Rosalie! You’re a jerk!” Then giggled like she was insane.

When Jasper said “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” And Movie Alice went “its okay Jasper. You won’t hurt her,” Alice squealed and said “Oh my goodness, Jackson is very good for Jasper! His hair is still a little crazy though…”

And when the baseball scene came on (her favorite scene, she decided), she clapped and “woo”d when it was Jasper’s turn with the bat. She was totally quiet for the rest of the movie that Esme wasn’t sure if she was having a 30 minute vision or something. A girl next to them was sobbing her eyes out when the meadow scene was on (which was only 10 seconds…;’[ the sobbing girl was meh!), saying “Why?! Why did they have to ruin it?!” Alice felt bad for her and wished Jasper was there to calm her down. When the movie ended with Victoria and her mad face, Alice and Esme stood up and were the first to start clapping.

“Woo!!! Victoria goes all bad-ass!!!!” They heard the girl who was sobbing say. They waited till the very end of the credits, hoping there was a clip at the end. So was the girl who was sobbing and her friend. On the way back to the Cullen’s (which was only about 3 minutes long), Alice babbled about the movie, saying what they could have done way better. Esme agreed to some of the things they said, and kept saying how Peter Facinelli did perfect as Carlisle.

When they got to the house, Alice and Esme had a “Sleepover” in the basement. Alice danced to “Decode” in her head, singing all the words and Esme and Alice partied until Jasper and Carlisle came in and said they wanted to spend time with their wives (which was at about 6am).

Rosalie, Alice, and Esme were at the mall (Alice’s idea), even though they had no reason. Alice had already bought mostly everything in the mall but she just liked to walk around and look at the things she already has. They skipped into Hot Topic (well Alice skipped, and Esme and Rosalie just walked behind her).

“Look guys!” –Gasp- “They have Edward stuff here! Oh and our Crests! Omigosh how… what… huh?!” Alice said very loudly, pointing at the rack of Twilight shirts and pins and stickers and jewelry and everything awesome like that.

“Fuzzbuckets! I want just me to have my necklace!” Rosalie said, and grabbed all the Rosalie crest necklaces, crushing them into dust, dropping the dust on the floor, and scooting it under the Twilight stand with her foot.

“You’re right Rosalie… Must destroy these bracelets!” Esme said, grabbing all the Esme bracelets and repeating what Rosalie did. Alice gasped.

“You guys are right! Alice has gotta destroy these chokers so the Twilighter posers won’t get em!” She said, grabbing the Alice chokers and repeating what Esme and Rosalie did. (A/N - haha I bet you’re wondering.. Twilighter posers? Well… loooong story. We’ll save it for another chapter! Hurray!”) Esme was the first to walk out, walking as if she was, like, James Bond or something. Rosalie followed her, making her hands a gun and Alice followed, just grinning.

Alice, Esme, and Rosalie walked into Claire’s and saw a Twilighter poser!

“Ohemgeezles!!! It’s a…a …..a Twilighter poser!” Alice screamed, pointing to the Twilight poser they knew. For some crazy reason, no one heard but Esme and Rose. They both went “Ugh” and turned away from the Twilighter poser.

“Oh goshles it’s sour patch kidsles!” Alice pointed to the sour patch kids on the shelf.

“Let’s get em!” Rosalie said. Alice reached for the box.

“I don’t really like sour patch kids…” Esme said.

“You don’t like Sour Patch Kids?!!?!?!” Rose and Alice said at the same time. Esme shook her head. “STORMING!!!!!” They both said, and stomped out of the store.

“We don’t even…eat though…” Esme said, but followed them out of the store.

They were walking (slowly) past the Disney store when Esme stopped and said “Hey, guys, wanna play the Disney Store game?”

“What’s the Disney Store game?” Alice and Rosalie asked at the same time, stopping next to Esme.

“You have to get to the back of the store and out without any of the employees talking to you.” She almost whispered. Alice giggled evily.

“That’ll be easy!” She ran into the store and was out in half a second. “There!”

Esme rolled her eyes. “Like a human, Alice.” She said.

Rosalie laughed. “That will be easy. Let’s go.” She said with a smile. They entered the store and kind of slid against the wall. Esme looked like she knew what she was doing so Rosalie and Alice just followed her. Alice couldn’t stop laughing. They moved on to where the tinker bell stuff was (not even halfway in) and Rosalie hit Alice on the arm to shut up, which only made her laugh harder.

“How are you ladies doing today?” A lady that worked there said.

“Damn you, Alice.” Rosalie said, and walked out of the store.

“You’re a loser! You made us lose!” Esme said angrily and walked out the store after Rosalie. Alice shrugged and looked at the lady.

“We were doing good… but have a great day!” She said and skipped out of the store.

The Cullens (and ick Jacob) hear the Cullen llama song.

The Cullens and Jacob were sitting in the Cullen’s living room when they heard their doorbell. Jasper got up and walked to the door, with Alice swinging on his arm. He opened the door and a short, little looking girl was there.

“Hello…. OH…MY….FUZZ ARE YOU JASPER?!” The girl squeaked.

“Yes…” Jasper answered with his SEXY voice.

“Oh, oh… oh DANG you’re sexy! I’m Allie… and I wanna sing you a song! Could you get your whole family here, and Jacob if he’s here?” Allie said cheerfully.

“Why don’t you just come in?” Alice offered, and grabbed her hand. They walked into the living room where everyone was.

“Kay so here it goes! Here’s a Cullen, there’s a Cullen and another little Cullen, fuzzy Cullen, funny Cullen, Cullen Cullen, Truck. Cullen Cullen werewolf Cullen, grizzly muffin piano Cullen, Cullen Cullen bracelet Cullen, Cullen Cullen truck. I was once a Volvo, Cedward baked a cake, but I never saw the way the Bella kissed the Jake! I was only just undead, Alice told a tale! And now listen Bella, dear, Jacob wags his tale! Did you ever see a Cullen? Kiss a Cullen on the Cullen? Cullen’s Cullen taste of Cullen, Cullen Cullen truck. Half a Cullen twice a Cullen, not a Cullen, Newton Cullen, Cullen in a car alarm a Cullen, Cullen truck. Is that how its told now? Aro is so old. Is it made of venom juice, sparkle marble cold. Alice likes to spend the cash, Jacob’s out of luck, and in the final chapter he imprints on a duck!!” Allie sang, ran to Jasper and gave him a kiss on the cheek, then ran out the door. The Cullens and ick Jacob stood there, staring after the girl. Jacob turned to Renesmee.

“You’re a duck?! I thought you were a loch ness monster!!!!” Jacob put his hand on his cheek, pointed at Renesmee, and squealed. Renesmee looked up at Jacob.

“I’m not a ducky stupid, stupid Jacob… that song lied! Liar song!” Renesmee pointed in the direction Allie ran with her cute little finger.

“That was mean when they said I wagged my tail…” Jacob said sadly, totally ignoring his Duck ness monster girlfriend thingy.

“Well, you do.” Rosalie said jerkishly. (that’s not a word? It should be!)

“Very true…” Jacob said, and howled. Then he ran out the door. Mike came in the house randomly.

“It mentioned my last name! Haha!” He said, then ran out the door as Jacob did. Alice giggled.

“Well, it didn’t lie for me. I do like to spend the cash! C’mon, Jasper! Let’s go… go… to the MALL!!!!” Alice grabbed Jasper’s hand.

“Hot Topic?” Jasper asked.

Alice sighed. “Fine.”

“Yippee!” And they skipped off to go to the mall on Jasper’s sexy motorcycle (which he never uses cept for now cuz I bet he’d look sexy on it…. Especially if he had his SHIRT OFF! Woooo!).

Alice tries to get Rosalie to say –beep-

“OOOOOOH ROSALIEEEEE!” Alice yelled, running down the stairs in the super duper fast vampire speed.

“Yes, Alice?” Rosalie asked from her room. Alice spun around and ran into Rosalie’s room.

“Listen to this song!!!” Alice put her ipod earphone into Rosalie’s ear.

“…When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin. I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better –beep-. Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me-“ Brendon Urie sang, but Rosalie cut him off by pausing the ipod.

“That was a very colorful word, Alice.” Rosalie said angrily.

“Oh, come on, like you’ve never said –beep-.” Alice replied.

“Actually I haven’t. Emmett hasn’t either..”

“GASP you’ve never said –beep- before?!”

“Nope. Ever.”

“WHAT?!!” Alice was so surprised. She’d think Rosalie said this word at least ONCE.

“Woopidie doo, I never said it. Kay now leave me alone!” Rose said, pushing Alice out of her room and slamming the door. Alice knocked on her door.

“You gotta say it! People say it all the time! –beepity beep beep beep-! See?” She yelled into the room through the door.

“No I don’t. I won’t say it.” Rosalie yelled back.

“Yes! You gotta! Or I’ll get Jasper to go all Emmett on your ass!”

“What? Alice that doesn’t make any sense…”

“Just sing it! Technically you’re not SAYING it, I mean come on! It’s easy! Just go, I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better –beep-!”

“No, Alice! I will not say it! Now go away!” Alice sighed in frustration.

Grarg! I’ve gotta make Rose say –beep-!! Alice thought angrily. She skipped to her room to plot an evil, twisted, but very funny plan.

In Alice’s room-

Jasper was there, and Alice was explaining her plan.

“Kay, so you are gonna make Rose as ANGRY as possible so she can say –beep-!!” Alice said cheerfully.

Jasper nodded. “And in return I get…?”

“Uh…. Hm…. I’ll pierce your tongue for you!” Alice said. Jasper was too concentrated on….something that he didn’t realize that it was pretty impossible to pierce a vampire’s tongue.

“Deal!” He said and kissed Alice on the forehead. Alice skipped to Rosalie’s room with Jasper behind her.

“OOOOOH ROSALIE! You’re gonna get mad in 3…2…1!!!!” Alice squealed and nudged Jasper. Jasper just stood there whistling but Alice could tell he was working his sexy power. Rosalie yanked the door open.

“ALICE! I TOLERATE YOU!!!!” She screamed, and tackled her.

“ROSE! SAY IT! SAY –BEEP-!” Alice screamed, fighting with Rosalie as they rolled down the stairs.

“SO THAT’S WHY I’M THIS MAD?! BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO SAY THAT COLORFUL WORD?! TELL JASPER TO STOP OR I’LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!” Rosalie screeched. Alice stopped and Rosalie stopped, too.

“That’s my thing, Rose. You can’t do that.” She said calmly, then they went back to fighting. “I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL YOU SAY –BEEP-!!!!” She screamed.

So, this went on for about 5 hours until Jasper got tired of controlling Rosalie’s emotions and went on his sexy motorcycle (shirtless). Rosalie didn’t say –beep- so Alice was in her room, plotting another plan to get Rosalie to say the stinkin’ word.

I know! I’ll talk my language and annoy her! Aliceles! Alice thought. Now this plan was going to work.

The living room!

“Rosalieles!!! What’s uples?! Howles areles yousles doingles?!” Alice said, sitting next to Rosalie on the couch with the most cutest and innocent smile in the world.

“Oh, no, Alice. Not Aliceles!” Rosalie groaned.

“Yuples! I’m talkingles Aliceles so yousles can saysles –beep-les!”

“ No matter how annoying Aliceles is, I’m NOT saying that word! Just give up, Alice!”

“NOSLES!I’MLES GONNA MAKELES YOUSLES SAYSLES BEEPLES!!! ALICE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!!” (hahahahha JORI!) Alice yelled, and ran up the stairs laughing like a mad man.

-In the kitchen!

Alice skipped into the kitchen. Rosalie was playing with the food in the fridge… don’t ask.

“Whatcha doin?!” Alice asked in a very high pitched voice.

“Playin human!” Rosalie answered.

“Why?”

“Cuz I want to.”

“why?”

“Cuz it looks fun.”

“Why?”

“Cuz…. It’s fun pretending to eat!”

“Why?”

“Cuz we can’t eat!”

“Why?”

“Cuz that’s how Godles made our kind.”

“Why?”

“Cuz he felt like it.”

“Why?”

“Because… Grarg, Alice, you ruin EVERYTHING!” Rosalie yelled and threw an apple at Alice.

“I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…I KNOW A SONG GETS ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES… I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…”

“Alice! Shut upo!” Rosalie shouted, and stormed out of the room.

“I KNOWLES A SONGLES THAT GETSLES ON EVERYBODY’S NERVESLES! EVERYBODY’S NERVESLES! EVERYBODY’S NERVESLES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVESLES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…” Alice was about to sing the second part to that song in Aliceles but Rosalie shushed her.

“FINE! FINE FINE FIIIIINE! –BEEPITY BEEP BEEP BEEP-! ARE YOU –BEEP-ING HAPPY?! YOU’RE SO –BEEP-ING ANNOYING! LEAVE ME THE –BEEP- ALONE!!! -BEEEEEEP-!” Rosalie yelled.

Alice grinned wider, than wider, than even WIDER. “I am EXTREMELY happy!!! I’m gonna go make Emmett say it now!!” And little Alice skipped off to annoy Emmett to death.

Alice in Jasper were in Jasper’s room, Alice on Jasper’s lap.

“Hey, remember you said you would pierce my tongue if I helped you make Rosalie say –beep-?” Jasper asked randomly. Alice’s head was on his shoulder and she started cracking up.

“Uh-huh. Do you realize that’s like impossible?!” Alice said through her giggles.

“What?” Jasper’s face fell and he looked like a little kid who just found out santa wasn’t real.

“Jasper…. You pierce a vampire’s tongue. The little sharp thingy isn’t strong enough.”

“Can we try?” He asked in a small voice. Alice exhaled loudly.

“Fiiiiine.” She got up off Jasper’s lap and opened the room door. “Emmett! Carlisle! Esme! Rosalie! Bella! Edward! Renesmee! Jacob! Jasper wants to pierce his tongue!” She yelled. From where they were, Alice and Jasper heard 8 people laugh. “Oh c’mon like we have anything better to do!” The laughing stopped and in the next second, everyone was in front of Alice.

“Let’s do this thing!!!” Emmett shouted. Mike was there, too for some reason.

The Cullen’s living room-

The Cullens and Jacob had set up a little tongue piercing station. There was a table that looked like the ones in a dentist’s or doctor’s office, and on that table there were things that included 100 silver studs, a nail gun, and Alice. Jasper sat on a chair and the Cullens (and Jacob) surrounded him.

“Jacob needs to die..” Rosalie murmured to herself randomly.

“Kay let’s do this!” Alice squealed. Edward was spinning around in circles… and Bella was looking at him like he was an idiot (which he was). So then Bella and Edward left cuz they’re too important to be in this chapter. Jacob left with Renesmee cuz they’re too important, also. So it was just Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Mike, and Alice trying to pierce Jasper’s tongue.

“We’ll start with the nail gun.” Carlisle said. Esme picked up the nail gun.

“Okay, Jasper, open your mouth!” She said. Jasper obeyed and opened his mouth, super duper wanting a tongue ring.

“Won’t that hurt? Or like, kill him?” Mike asked, obviously not knowing they were vampires.

“Why are you here, Mike?” Rosalie asked him.

“I invited Mikey to make Eddie Boy jealous!” Emmett said loudly.

“Edward’s gone.” Rosalie said angrily.

“Very true…” Emmett bit his lip. “But Mike is awesome! So he can stay!” He cheered.

“Kay whatever.”

Esme put the nail gun directly on Jasper’s tongue and pulled the trigger. There was a loud noise and Esme pulled the gun away. The nail was on Jasper’s tongue, but it was, like, crushed.

“Dammit!” Jasper said, but it was hard to understand. He spat the crushed nail out. “NEXT!”

“Kay let’s try just punching the stud in.” Emmett suggested. Meanwhile, Mike stood there watching in awe. Emmett picked up the teeny stud in his hunormo hand. “Open your mouth, Jazz.” He said. Jasper obeyed again, kind of smiling this time. Emmett set the little stud (pointy end down) on Jasper’s tongue and he literally tried PUNCHING it in. There was a reeeeally loud noise and Jasper was on the ground, sitting on a broken chair.

“Wait shouldn’t he be, like, BLEEDING to death?!” Mike yelled. “There’s something weird about you Cullens! I’m running and telling every-“ Rosalie flicked his head and he fell to the floor.

“Did you just kill Mike?” Esme asked her.

Rosalie shrugged. “Guess so.”

“Did it work?!” Carlisle asked. Jasper spit out the crushed ear stud. “Guess not.”

“Urgles!!! Let’s try Alice!” Esme said while Emmett and Rosalie dragged Newton into the basement.

“Yesles!!!” Alice hopped down from the table danced over to Jasper. “Open you mooouth!” She sang and grinned. When Jasper opened his mouth, Alice leaned in and kissed/bit Jasper. Well she bit his tongue. He pushed her away.

“OUCHLES!!! MY TONGUE!!! IT BURNS!!!!! OUCHLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jasper screamed, covering his mouth with his hand.

“Oh… Sorry Jasper! Guess it’s impossible to pierce your tongue, bye!!!” Alice yelled, then ran up the stairs trying to hold back laughing.

“Kay bye!” Carlisle said and ran after Alice.

“…. That’s gotta hurt…” Esme said quietly, then disappeared.

“Damn that Alice.” Jasper grumbled.

Jasper and Alice were sitting in the living room on the couch when Alice just burst.

“JASPER! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!” She screeched.

“What?” He asked, looking like he was going to cry if it were possible.

“I’M SICK OF YOUR….YOU! YOU SICKEN ME! YOU SHOULDN’T OF TOOKEN MY HAND AND DRAGGED ME AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU NEEDED SOMETHING BETTER!!!!”

“YOU’RE THE ONE THAT HELD OUT YOUR HAND!!!!!!”

“I HELD OUT MY HAND BECAUSE I WANTED A HIGH FIVE!!!!”

“BUT I FELT HOPE!!!!”

“TOO –BEEP-ING BAD!”

“ALICE!! STOP THIS NONSENSE!!!!”

“NO!”

“BUT YOU LOVED ME!!!!!!! I COULD FEEEEEEEL IT!!!!!”

“DON’T START THAT CRAP WITH ME, JASPER!!! YOU ALWAYS CONFUSE LOVE WITH HATE!”

“NO I DON’T!!! I KNOW EDWARD LOVES ME!!!!”

“ARE YOU KIDDING?! HE –BEEP-ING HATES YOU! SEE?”

Edward came in the room and slapped Jasper. “I hate you.” He said, and walked out of the room.

“WELL.” Jasper said, infuriated.

“See I told you…”

“BUT WHY DID YOU GO TO THE DINER AND WAIT FOR ME IF YOU HATED ME?!”

“I TOLD YOU! I WANTED A HIGH FIVE YOU IDIOT!”

“THAT’S IT! I’M GOING ON MY MOTORCYCLE WITH NO SHIRT ON!!!!!!!”

“Kay, be careful.” Alice said sweetly.

“I will, honey.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Rosalie walked up to Edward and tapped him on the shoulder. Edward spun around and screamed exactly like a little girl.

“Rose, Baby, Uhm….. why do you have metal things on your teeth?” Emmett asked Rosalie when she came into his room.

“I’m playing human, Emmett!” Rosalie explained.

“Rose… what are those?”

“Braces! Duh! Humans get them to make their teeth look better.”

“… You’re teeth are perfect.”

“Yes, I know, Emmett but I’m playing human. I even used Alice’s credit card to make her mad like a real human sister would do.” Rosalie sighed. Esme walked in and narrowed her eyes towards Rosalie’s mouth.

“Am I being delusional again? Or does Rose have braces on?” She asked Emmett.

“I got braces!” Rose said.

“Why?”

“Because I’m playing human, mother.” Rosalie said and sounded like she was 5.

“Oh… Okay then…” Esme said, and backed away slowly. Rosalie turned to Emmett.

“Let’s hunt.” She said and grabbed Emmett’s wrist. “It’s okay, humans eat with these all the time.” Emmett followed Rosalie kind of chuckling to himself.

-After the hunting trip-

Jacob walked in the room and started laughing so hard, he fell and was gasping for air. Rosalie was on the couch with Emmett, trying to pick the leftover fur from her hunting trip out of her braces. When Jacob came in and started laughing, it made Rose infuriated.

“Shut up Juh-Cab!” She yelled, and threw Emmett at Jacob. Emmett crashed into him, and Jacob’s bones were crushed. “HAHA! I AM VICTORIOUS!” Rose shouted, then went back to trying to get the fur out of her teeth. “URG!!!!! I GIVE UP!” She got up and ran up the stairs.

“Aww! Come on! Don’t give up!” Emmett yelled and followed Rosalie. Meanwhile, Jacob was on the floor like twitching. Esme came in.

“Oh my! Do you need a vet?!” She asked… then laughed and went to her room. Alice and Jasper skipped in, Alice’s face twisted into a mad expression. She kicked Juhcab when she walked by him, breaking another one of his bones, then skipped up the stairs to Rosalie’s room. Jasper walked by Jacob and kicked him in the head, breaking his… head bone.

“You’re stupid.” He said and followed Alice.

-In Rosalie’s room-

Rosalie was dry sobbing, saying how the braces made her look not as beautiful as she is.

“Just destroy them, Rose.” Emmett suggested. Rosalie stopped dry sobbing and looked at Emmett with wide eyes.

“YEAH GREAT IDEA!” She said, then she punched herself in the mouth, making the braces turn into dust and fall out of her mouth. “Yay! I’m stunningly beautiful!” She said as she looked in the mirror smiling. Alice yanked the door open at that moment and slapped Rosalie across the face.

“THE NEXT TIME YOU USE MY CREDIT CARD I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU IN ANTARCTICA!!!” She yelled, then stomped out of the room.

Emmett skipped into the room with Alice (a first).

“Let’s watch DORA!!!!” Emmett shouted and Alice clapped. Esme, Carlisle, Jasper, and Rosalie walked into the room.

“Kay.” They all said. Like the Cullens had anything better to do with all the free time. Emmett turned on the TV while everyone else sat down in front of it. The channel was already on Nickelodeon, and Dora was just starting.

“Doo-Doo Dora, Doo-doo Dora! Doo-doo Dora doo-doo Dora! Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping! OH MAAAAAN! DORA THE EXPLORER!!!” Emmett sang along to the theme song. Rosalie pulled out a banana from her pocket and threw it at him.

“Who threw that feather?!” He screamed, but let it go when the show started. Through the whole thing, the Cullens sat there with different expressions on their faces. When the Map song came up Alice was entertained, Jasper was disgusted, Esme was… delusional, Carlisle was amused, and Rosalie was angry. When the backpack song came on, same expressions. What really got them to those expressions was how Emmett knew every word to the all the songs. Finally, the show was almost over.

“What was your favorite part?” Dora asked the Cullens from the TV.

Jasper spoke up. “My favorite part was when you shoved your monkey up your-“

“I liked that, too.”

“HEY! THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT TOWARDS DORA!” Emmett yelled. Jasper mocked Emmett.

“Ther wiw be none of dat towardth Dowa!”

“YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, JASPER!” Emmett ran up the stairs. Jasper just sat there, then he took the banana Rosalie threw at Emmett and threw it at the TV.

“Screw you, Dora.” He said calmly, and went to tease Emmett some more.

etting: Jasper and Edward are on the couch, watching TV for no apparent reason. The others are shopping for muffins.

The doorbell rings and Edward get’s up to open the door. Allie is at the door and walks in randomly.

Allie: Hello, Edward.

Edward: You’re intoxicated by my very presence

Allie: EEEEEEEE!

Edward: Uhhhh…

Allie: EEEEEE! It’s JASPER!!!!!

Edward: [hurt] what?

Jasper: Heyhey!

Allie: EEEE! [runs to Jasper]

Edward: [still hurt] But… but what about me?!

Jasper: [grin]

Allie: EEE! I LOVE YOU JASPER!!!!

***

Allie: [sings] Jasper’s too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it HURTS!!!

Jasper: [smexy grin]

Edward: [hurt] I thought I was… too sexy for my shirt… [sniffle]

***

Jasper: Hey!

Allie: HEY OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Jasper: [smexy grin]

Allie: Screw Edward! I want JASPER!!!

Jasper: [wider smexy grin]

Edward: but I thought… I was… supposed to be the one who everyone loved! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?!

***

Setting: Allie is on the set of Twilight. So are the Cullens.

Edward: Hey Allie! What are you doing here?

Allie: [annoyed] watchin’ Twilight

Edward: That’s cool, that’s cool…

Allie: Yuples.

Edward: So uh you like what you see?

Allie: Yeah, sure could you go get your brother?

Edward: [hurt] you’re supposed to want ME! MEEEEE! [Runs off dry sobbing]

***

Setting: Allie is on the set of Twilight and is wearing a piano belt.

Edward: [comes up to Allie and starts pretending to play Allie’s piano belt] Dadadadadaaaaaaa daddadadaaaaaddada-

Allie: [interrupts] What are you doing?

Edward: [still pretending to play] playin’ pianoooooo!!!

Allie: [slides away] Yeah, go get your brother.

Edward: [growls] You know what?! SCREW you and your STUPID love for Jasper! I’ve got Bella! So…. THERE!!! HAH! [Runs off dry sobbing]

Emmett walked into Jasper’s room.

“Behind the door.” Jasper said quietly. He was turned away from Emmett in one of those chairs you see in the mysterious movies.

“What?” Emmett asked. He looked behind the door. There was a painting of a face.

“Behind the door!”

“What? You mean the face?”

“No. You know what’s behind the door, Emmett.” Jasper said, getting angry.

“What’s behind the door?” Emmett asked. Jasper spun his chair around and stood up.

“THIS!” He yelled. Emmett screamed.

Jasper ran into the house, breathing fastly for no reason.

“NOODLES!!!!!!!!!!” He screamed. No one answered. “I SAID NOODLES!!!!!!”

“What?” Alice yelled from upstairs. Jasper ran to her room.

“Noodles.” Jasper said more calmly.

“What about noodles, Jasper?”

“NOOoOOOOOOOODLES!” Jasper yelled and ran away to Emmett’s room.

“EMMETT!”

“WHAT?”

“NOOODLES!!!!”

“NOOOOOODLES!!!” Emmett and Jasper ran to Rosalie’s room together.

“NOOODLES!” They both yelled.

“What the FUZZ, Emmett?!” Rosalie yelled back.

“NOOODLES!” Emmett yelled.

“Nooooodles!” Jasper yelled.

“Ugh, you guys are freaks. I’M PLAYING HUMAN LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!”

“NOODLES!” Jasper and Emmett yelled and ran out of the room to the kitchen.

Jasper walked into the kitchen. Esme was there.

“Noodles.” He whispered.

“WHAT?” Esme yelled.

“NOODLES, MOTHER!” Emmett yelled.

“FINE!” Esme pulled out a box of noodles and handed it to Jasper.

“ME!” Emmett yelled.

“You’re going to be a good boy and SHARE!” Esme yelled back at Emmett.

“Grarg!” Emmett snarled and followed Jasper, who was admiring the box of noodles and walking to his room.

“Noooooodles.” He whispered, rubbing the noodle box. Jasper went into his room and slammed the door.

“MOMMY SAID TO SHARE!” Emmett yelled through the door.

“NOODLES!” Jasper yelled. He opened the box of noodles and poured them out the window. “Bye bye. Noodles.”

Carlisle was in his room. He was on his computer.

Hmmm I am extremely bored. I’m deciding to not talk with the letter R today!!

Carlisle stood up just as Alice walked through the door.

“That is the stupidest decision I’ve ever seen!” She said, and ran out the door. Carlisle shrugged and ran downstairs to the kitchen where Rosalie was pretending to eat an orange.

“Hello Wosalie!” Carlisle said grinning.

“Carlisle why are you talking like that?” Rosalie asked jerkishly.

“Because, Wosalie, I wefuse to talk with the letta owoo today”

“The letter owoo?”

“OWOO!”

“… You’re a freak.” Rosalie said and took her “half eaten” orange up to her room.

“Edwaaaaaad! Whew awe you buddy!” Carlisle called.

“Up here, in my room, father!” Edward called back. Carlisle ran up to Edward’s room. Bella was there.

“Hello, Bella, Edwad.” Carlisle said grinning.

“Carlisle, if you’re going to be stupid, we’re going to leave.” Edward said angrily.

“Awww Edwaaad don’t be like that! Stay heya and have fun!”

“That’s it. I’m leaving. Come on, Bella.” Edward sighed and pulled Bella out of the door.

“JASPAAAAAAAAAAA!” Carlisle yelled.

“Yes?” Jasper was there in front of Carlisle in the next second, holding a piece of Rosalie’s orange.

“Hello, Jaspa. How you doin today! Awe you glad I didn’t say banana!”

“What?”

“I wuv woo, Jaspa.”

“Shut up or I’ll make you eat this onion.” Jasper held up what was clearly, an orange.
“Don’t you mean owange?”

“This is an onion, Carlisle”

“It’s an owange, Jaspa!”

“Onion.”

“Owange.”

“Onion.”

“Owange”

“Banana.”

“Peach”

“Banana”

“Peach”

“Onion”

“Owange! Jaspa it’s an owange!!!!” Carlisle almost slapped him in the face.

“It’s an ORANGE, Jasper!!!!!” Alice called from the room above. Jasper let out what sounded like a 5 year old scream/cry/whine and stormed out. Esme came into the room.

“What’s wrong with dear Jasper?” She asked.

“He thought the owange was an onion! Silly Jaspa” Carlisle chuckled.

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Because I wefuse to talk with the letta owoo today.”

“There is no letter owoo, Honey”

“OWOO!”

“That’s not a letter.”

“LETTER R!” Carlisle screamed, then froze. “Damn you, woman!” He yelled, and stomped out of the room.

Esme was on the couch, watching TV. Often she would rock back and forth. Jasper came in and watched her rock back and forth.

Wow, Momma’s weird. He thought.

“Hey! I heard that!” Esme yelled at Jasper.

“Wh-what?” Jasper asked. Esme started giggling madly. She started to scare Jasper, so he went up to Alice’s room.

“Hello, Jasper!” Alice greeted him.

“Hey hey”

“You’re hair needs to be different.” Alice said as she combed through Jasper’s hair with her fingers.

“Oh no you di-int just diss my hair.” Jasper pursed his lips and moved his head in a circular motion.

“Oh yes I di-id just diss your hair!” Alice snapped in his face.

“Don’t make me snap my fingers in a Z-fo-may-tion!” As Jasper said that, he did indeed snap his fingers in a z formation. “GASP!” Jasper dropped his jaw and put both hands in front of his mouth in a very feminine gesture. “Oh em gee…. Alice… Let’s freakin’ go shopping!”

“OKAY!” Alice squealed. And so, Jasper and Alice went shopping, and Jasper didn’t even go in Hot Topic. This was the start of something new. (They watched High School Musical afterwards)

Esme was in Carlisle’s office, looking through his files. Alice and Rosalie walked in.

“Hello mother dearest, what are you doing?” They asked at the same time, it was kind of creepy. Esme giggled insanely.

“heehehehehhee” Esme picked up a green folder. “This folder is pink!” She exclaimed. Alice flitted to her side.

“No, Momma, this folder is green. GRREEEEEEN.” Alice pointed to the folder. Esme threw the folder down and walked out of the room, spinning around and laughing at the ceiling. Alice and Rosalie followed. Esme stopped, put her hand on her cheek and pointed up.

“I see pie!” She yelled. Alice and Rosalie eyed each other and then looked up. No pie.

“Where? Esme! You’re delusional!” Rosalie said and patted Esme’s shoulder.

Alice and Jasper were in Alice’s room. Jasper was twirling in front of the mirror, checking himself out.

“Heeeeeee ah am sex-ay.” Jasper said in a girlish voice. (It’s his own voice… just, well you know how flaming gays talk)

“Yes, Jasper, yes you are.” Alice said as she sewed colorful fabric together with her sewingawesomeness3000 machine.

“Alice…”

“Yes…?”

“You need a makeover”

“GASP! Jasper! How dare you say such a thing!” Alice hopped up from her seat and slapped Jasper.

“That didn’t hurt, Alice”

“Ugh! Jasper just… go away and never come back!” She stormed out of the room.

“Oh, dear.” Jasper whispered. He looked over at what Alice was sewing. “gasp… it’s it’s…. I have an idea!” He thought to himself. Alice came back up and jumped on Jasper’s back.

“What a wonderful idea!!!” She squealed. “I’m helping!”

“Wait, we need sour gummy worms.” Jasper said, deep in thought.

“…Why…?” Alice asked as she climbed down Jasper.

“Because they’re AWESOME!!!!”

“OKAY!” And Alice and Jasper skipped off to get some sour gummy worms.

In the kitchen

“Mother Esme! Dinner is ready!” Rosalie called. Esme came running in.

“Fire! Fire! FihihihihiiiiieerrrrrRR!” Esme screamed hysterically.

“Where? Esme! Where’s the fire!!! Omygaawd whereee is the fire?!”

“Over theheheher!” She pointed to the wall.

“… Esme… are you being delusional again?” Just then Jasper busted in with a very colorful skin-tight dress that went no lower than his mid-thigh.

“AAAAAAAAH!” Esme screamed and ran away. Carlisle came in and looked at Jasper very carefully.

“Jasper… what…?”

“Father, as of today and only today, I am a FASHION MODEL!!!!” Runway music started to play and Alice came in with a microphone.

“This is Jasper Hale wearing one of my favorites. It’s called ‘A Colorful Dress For Jasper’ and was made by ME, Alice Cullen!!” Alice gestured toward Jasper, who was walking through the kitchen very awesomely. He had his hands on his hips and as he walked, he moved his hips side to side.

“WAAAAAAAIT!” Carlisle screamed, and the music stopped playing. Jasper froze and glared at Carlisle.

“You interrupted my cat –.”

Carlisle interrupted. “If you’re going to be a fashion model, you’re going to do it the RIGHT WAY!” He gestured Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper to follow him into the living room. Emmett was skipping in a circle singing “Ring around the rosie”

“Ashes, Ashes, we all fall….” He stopped skipping and looked at Carlisle, Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper. “Papa, why is Jasper wearing a dress?” He asked in a little-kidish voice.

“Beat it, Emmett, we got a fashion show to produce!” Rosalie said jerkishly. (Why, she does that a lot, doesn’t she?)

“FINE! NOBODY LOVES MEEE!” Emmett screamed, and stormed up the stairs.

“Okay! Let’s get this show on the roooooad!” Carlisle said and snapped two times. In 2 and a half seconds, Rosalie built a runway with lights and curtains.

“YAY! SANTA DOES EXIST!” Jasper yelled, and put his hand on his heart.

“You…just saw Rosalie do that.” Alice said, confused.

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes… you did…”

“Yeah, but Christmas is coming so I had to mention Santa.” Jasper whispered.

“Rosalie, Lights!” Carlisle yelled. Rosalie pressed a button and the lights came on. “Jasper, say you’re a fashion model again!”

“I’m a FASHION MODEL!” Once again, runway music came on and Jasper hopped on the stage and walked down it as he did before. Alice was backstage, ready to give Jasper his second outfit. Jasper spun at the end of the runway and headed back to where Alice was. He quickly changed into a blue tank top, with a black skirt and a jacket thrown over his shoulder. This time, Jasper posed at the end of the runway… or catwalk… whatever it’s called.

“Jasper is wearing another one of my favorites called ‘Tank Top With A Skirt And A Jacket For Jasper’ also made by ME, Alice Cullen.”

Esme ran in, then, screaming hysterically. “Jaaaasper! Take that off!! AAAH!!!” Her screaming made the song “Too Sexy For My Shirt” to play. Jasper spun around fastly and was in a button-down shirt and slacks all of a sudden.

“I’m too sexy for my shiiirt, too sexy for my shiiirt, so sexy it HURTS.” He sang along, while he started to unbutton his shirt. He danced along and eventually ripped his shirt off, then kept dancing. Alice whistled. Esme screamed. Carlisle ran, and Rosalie covered her eyes.

So Jasper went from a fashion model to a stripper. Alright!!

Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Esme were in the Cullen’s living room. They were watching…. SUPERMAN RETURNS! (Queue music)

“Oh my gawd Superman is freaking SEXY!!” Alice squealed when Superman flew to save the people in the plane/rocket thing. And when he said “Goodnight Louis.” She said “Awwww why can’t he say that to ME?! Just the way he says it is just aaah amazing…”

“Alice, Superman isn’t real.” Jasper said, jealous that Superman was catching Alice’s attention and Jasper wasn’t. (A/N – Jasper’s normal in this one. I wasn’t really likin his gayness… so we’ll make it a phase… yeah it was a phase ;])

“Jasper! How could you say such a thing?! You don’t know! Everyone thinks we aren’t real, you know VAMPIRES! But I’m pretty sure we’re real! ‘Cause I’m here and you’re here and other vampires exist! You know what? I have a new found love for Superman!” Alice said, and dashed up the stairs to make posters and t shirts and decorate her room all Superman-ee.

“No! Alice no!” Jasper reached his hands out to try to catch her but she was already up in her room. “Damn it.”

“It’s okay, brother! Superman isn’t real. Don’t be jealous of a fictional character!” Emmett said, grinning.

“I must stop this!” Jasper said, ignoring Emmett.

“Jazzy baby, hurry down the chimney tonight!” Emmett sang.

“What?”

“I like that song…”

“eh. I must stop this!” Jasper said again, hoping for a more normal answer.

“Well how, bro?”

“I have an idea….” Jasper said mischievously, and whispered what the idea was in Emmett’s ear.

Esme stared at Jasper.

“Wh-what…?” Jasper asked when he was done telling his idea to Emmett.

“Superman is real, Jasper, he is he is. Look he's there! Right there! Right next to you!!!!!" Esme screamed, pointing next to Jasper.

"Delusional..." Jasper murmured.

Alice’s room –

In 10 minutes, Alice had made everything she owned (except for her clothes) Superman. She had Superman window curtains, a Superman computer chair, Superman posters, and all the Superman comic books. She even bought Superman pajamas which she would use at night now just because they were Superman.

Alice was sitting on her Superman rug, playing with her Superman doll when Jasper walked in.

“Hey Alice, can I be Superman?” Jasper asked, a little hesitant.

“NO! GO AWAY!” Alice screamed, and threw a Superman decorated orange at him.

“AAAAH! I HATE ONIONS!” Jasper screamed, and ran away. Carlisle came in.

“Alice, can I be Superman?” Carlisle asked.

“Father, NO you’re too old and… NO!” Carlisle ran away to sulk. Mike walked in.

“Hey Alice, wassup wassup? Can I be Superman?”

“N-…Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”

“Well I don’t know I just-.” Just then Rosalie came in and killed Mike…again… and then dragged him into the basement.

Outside of Alice’s room –

“Okay, what’s my line again?” Emmett asked Jasper.

“Can I be Superman?”

“I don’t know you have to ask Alice.”

“That’s your line, dumb banana.”

“Oh oh. Okay. Can I be Superman? Can I be Superman? I GOT THIS!” Emmett, very confident, walked into Alice’s room.

“I’ll save you, Alice!” Alice mimicked Superman’s voice, making her Superman doll pick up a doll that looked like her. “Oh thank you so much, sexy Superman!” She said in her own voice. “Goodnight, Alice.” She said in Superman’s voice again.

“Hey best sister in the whole wide world, Alice.” Emmett said cheerfully.

“What, Emmett?” Alice asked, annoyed.

“I was wondering… Can I be Uberman?”

“Emmett, it’s SUPERMAN. With an S and a P Superman! And no, you—.” Alice stopped and grinned. “Emmett… Do you want to be a super hero?” Alice said in a very weird voice.

“YEAH!” Emmett said with excitement.

“Okay you are going to save people! You are UBERMAN!!!!!! Queue music!”

Edward started playing the piano downstairs but stopped. “I’m too important for this chapter. SOB!” He said, and left.

“Okay, Emmett, let’s started.” Alice said, and shut the door.

In the kitchen –

Rosalie was making dinner. Jasper and Carlisle were leaning against the wall talking. They heard Alice giggle and Emmett’s booming laugh.

“What could they be doing? They’re not saying anything… just having giggle fits!”

“I don’t know but-.” Carlisle was interrupted by Alice yelling from upstairs.

“LAIDIES, GENTLEMEN, AND CARLISLE!”

“Hey!”

“I NOW PRESENT YOU WITH FORKS’ SUPER HERO, UUUUUBBBEERRRRMAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!” Theme music similar to Superman’s started to play and Emmett came flying down the stairs. (A/N He was on one of those string things that they use in movies and it makes you look like you’re flying. I forgot what it’s called at the moment.)

“Dah dahhhh dah dah dah dahhhh!” Emmett/Uberman sang along to his theme music. His costume was similar to Superman’s; it had the same design and same colors, but the “s” was replaced with a “u” and the colors were reversed. (A/N this is my last author’s note in this chapter I promise… well second to last because of after the chapter I have to make a rhyme with review which I haven’t done in a while but anyhoo, onward- when I say the colors were reversed I mean like his tights were red and his boots were blue and his panties over his tights were blue and his torso part was red and his cape was blue… [=)

“EEEEMMMETTT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Rosalie screamed, and ran away.

“Emmett-.” Jasper started to say when Emmett flew into the kitchen.

“It’s UBERMAN!” Emmett snapped.

“Uh…Uberman… are you actually going to save people?”

“Hale yes!”

“Why did you use my last name?”

“Because… It’s awesome.” Emmett…Uberman said childishly.

“True.” Alice ran down the stairs.

“So, Uberman, what do you hear?”

“Uhhh…Rosalie dry-sobbing… I must help her!” And Uberman dashed off to save Rosalie.

Rosalie’s room –

Uberman crashes in.

“Fair maiden, I will save you!” He said in a British accent.

“You’re a super hero not a knight!” Alice whispered from behind Emmett/Uberman.

“Oh yeah…” He whispered. “Have no fear, Uberman is here!” Rosalie looked up at Emmett with a sad expression. “Uhhh…How can I save you, Rose?”

“Take that ridiculous costume off!!” Rosalie screamed.

“Okay.” Emmett said and took the costume off. And that was the end of Uberman.

Esme, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie were sitting on Alice’s Superman rug when Alice busted in.

“GUYS GUYS GUYS! I got us all…. LG RUMORS!!” Alice said as she threw everyone a different color LG Rumor phone.

“Aren’t these called LG Scoops?” Emmett asked, examining his blue one.

“NO, Emmett, THESE are LG RUMORS. Because THESE are from Sprint and SPRINT is BETTER than Alltel.”

“It’s AT&T, Alice.” Jasper said.

“Oh… well still SPRINT is BETTER than AT&T. How ‘bout that?” Alice grinned. “So anyhoosles, I have bought you each an individual LG Rumor becaaaause we are going to play with the…. EMOTICONS!!!!!”

Esme spoke up. “What are emoticons? Are they…. ALIENS!”

“No, Esme stop being delusional. Emoticons are little smiley faces that look AWESOME. So set your signature and let’s get Emoticon…ing!”

“I don’t have time for this, Alice. I have to make lunch.” Rosalie said and went to the kitchen. Everybody else set their signature and started texting each other.

Alice to Jasper –

Hey Sexyyy (grinning Emoticon) Superman’s lady

Why is ur sig that? (sad Emoticon) Jazzy Boy

Cuz Superman is AMAZING!!! (grin) Superman’s Lady

WELL. How would u like MY sig? Wonder woman’s Man

Damn u, Jasper. (Mad emoticon) Superman’s Lady

CHANGE IT! (mad) Wonder woman’s Man

Fine. Happy now? Jasper’s Lady

Very. (happy) Alice’s Man

Emmett to Esme –

And so I tried pumpkin pie and I realized I DID like it! (grinning emoticon) Uberman Emmett

Emmett, we don’t eat... Mother Esme

Yeah…. Uberman Emmett

In the kitchen-

Rosalie took out her LG Rumor and texted Emmett.

Heyhey Emmy wanna do something hot tonight? (grin) Hot&Sexy Rosalie

Like…. An oven…? Uberman Emmett

NO YOU STUPID PEAR! Think… How we knocked out all those cottages… (grin) Hot&Sexy Rosalie

OH! YEAAAAAAH LET’S GO!! (one of these - :O) Uberman Emmett

So Rosalie and Emmett went to go do something hot….

Alice’s room –

“Okay this is retarded!” Jasper yelled, and threw his phone at the ground, making it shatter.

“HEY I PAID MONEY FOR THOSE!” Alice screamed.

“So?”

“True…” Alice grinned and threw hers at the ground, as well.

“YEAH FIREWORKS!!!” Esme yelled, and threw hers out the window. Alice and Jasper stared at Esme, scared. They slowly backed out of the room to go find something else to do.

JASPER!” Emmett called from downstairs.

“What, Emmett?” Jasper asked, suddenly right behind him. Emmett spun around.

“LOOK WHAT I GOT, JASPER!! LOOOOOK!!” Emmett yelled.

“A… Chia pet?” Jasper asked.

“YEAH! I wanted a pet so I got one! And all I have to do is water him!”

“Him?”

“YEAH! His name is Chad hahaha get it? CHAD the CHIA pet!?” Emmett was oozing too much excitement.

“Bye.” Jasper said and ran away. Emmett ran up to Alice’s room.

“ALICE ALICE!”

“Yes, brother?”

“LOOK WHAT I GOT!” Emmett showed Alice Chad.

“OH EM JAY A CHIA PET!!!!” Alice totally flipped out. “Awww he’s so cute.” She said in a voice that sounded like she was talking to a baby.

“YEAH! I got one for you too!!” Emmett handed her a girl Chia pet.

“EEEE THANKS EMMETT! I’m gonna name you Superman!” Alice took her Chia pet and sat on the floor. Emmett walked cheerfully to Rosalie’s room. Carlisle and Rosalie were playing Rock Paper Scissors.

“Har har! I won!” Carlisle rejoiced.

“No you didn’t Carlisle…” Rosalie said jerkishly.

“Huh?! I didn’t? But I have more fingers out than you! That’s not how it works?”

“No.”

“Aww… Carlisle walked away to sulk.

“Watcha doin, Rose?!” Emmett asked very loudly.

“NOTHING EMMETT GO AWAY!” She yelled.

“But I have a Chia-.” Rosalie slammed the door before Emmett could finish his sentence.

Alice’s room –

“There you go, little Superman.” Alice said as she watered her Chia pet. “Now. Let’s talk shopping. One time when I was shopping, I saw some girl steal something out of my cart! So I followed her and when she bent down to pick up a blouse… BAM! I pushed her over! Aaaah delicious revenge.” Alice grinned at the memory. “Has anything like that happened to you?” She asked little Superman. She waited for an answer but it wasn’t talking.

“That’s okay, take your time.”

One week later –

Alice’s room –

“Awww you have such pretty hair.” Alice said to little Superman as she petted the little leaves on her Chia pet.

“ALICE!” Emmett screamed as he stormed into Alice’s room.

“What?” Alice asked, alarmed.

“CHAD DIED!!!” He screeched.

“OH NOES!” Alice put her hands on her cheeks.

“I KNOW!”

“Well… to make you feel you better… I’ll throw mine away. It doesn’t talk to me about shopping, anyway.” Alice sniffed. “Goodbye little Superman.” She said, and threw her out the window.