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I couldn’t see past my visions. They looked the same every time I dreamed them. The lush green forest bathed in darkness. I can’t see beyond the trees with their black leaves rustling in the wind. It was the same forest always. All the damn time. The forest where he disappeared and walked out of my life. I stood alone with an outstretched hand but he never looked back. He didn’t even give it a second thought. I was left crumpled on the forest ground, my fingertips pressing into the soil as I gasped for air.
I knew why I couldn’t breathe. There were two words to neatly sum up the pain that took my breath away so swiftly. I couldn’t say the words out loud. I was too cowardly to even try. I didn’t want to claim the emotion I felt. I wanted to reject it like he rejected me.
Jacob Black.
The battle had already been fought and won before I had even stepped onto the scene. The future I had carefully and lovingly crafted in my head was torn up into scattered pieces to be thrown into the wind once he said her name.
Renesmee.
This baby girl had decimated my future with a gurgle and a cry and I was left to die bleeding on the battleground. The happy endings started and finished within the looming Cullen mansion. Everyone else was the walked wounded in No Man’s Land. But we soldiered on. We tried to reconcile a new future.
My family that had fractured was now mending its wounds and slowly stitching itself back together. Seth was happy in high school, visiting the Cullen’s to kick around the pigskin at weekends. Mom was looking a lot happier than I had ever seen her. The cause of her happiness was also, funnily enough, the source of my unhappiness. The only thing worse than saying his name was seeing his face around the house, taking up a place at our dinner table, settling into our sofa, talking to Seth about school as if he had raised him.
Charlie Swan
How I despised him. He had stolen the love of my mother. Maybe I could be charitable and say that he had given her a new vision full of hope rather than loneliness and desolation but my rational mind could not erase the father who had picked me up and swung me around in the meadow when I was no taller than the long grass that grew there. Who had stuck a band-aid on my knee when I tried too hard to compete with the boys and always told me that I could do whatever any boy was capable of and more. He told me because he loved me. And then he left me without even saying goodbye.
The vision throbbed with pain in my head. I had to make it disappear. I had to take away everything that troubled me so. I didn’t want to exist anymore. Could I erase myself from this desolate corner of the world? I wouldn’t do it in a morbid way. I wouldn’t be clutching handfuls of white pills willing myself into an endless sleep. There wouldn’t be a pool of blood collecting from my pale wrists. There wouldn’t be a knotted rope swinging ugly shadows onto the walls of my room.
I would disappear like a magician’s dove. Full of awe and wonder and applause. The magician would bow and exit the stage left and I would be in rafters looking down and enjoying my view.
The key to act is the mystery. You can’t tell the secret otherwise everything will be spoiled.
I took a moment to contemplate my fate. The train ticket weighed itself down like lead in my pocket. My disappearing act was ready to begin. My secret was safe; I had made sure of that. My room was messy as usual with the bedspread carefully arranged. The drawers were bare but mom wouldn’t look there until it was too late and I would be emerging victorious, ready to take my bow, halfway across the world.
My vision of the future will stay in my hands now. No one and nothing will take it away from me. I can hear the applause and it’s reducing me to tears. Someone out there is waiting for me. Ready and waiting with all the love in the world. I just have to take one step.
I walk out of my future and into the next.
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