You can read the original here:
All Credit goes to the original author
The Cullen House!
Bella- Italics Edward-Bold Alice- Regular
Eddy-poo!
Eddy-poo?
That be your new name!!
Ah...I see.
Eddy-poo!!
Oh, and Bella?
Yus?
Why in the world are we passing notes?
Cause it be FUN!!
Not really.
Purple ladybugs!!
Excuse me?
I wanna pop-tart! I hungry!
Then go make one...
NO!
And why not?
I’m not hungry.
But you just said...
NO I DID NOT!! GET OFF MY BACK WOMAN!!
Woman?
Yup!
How much caffeine have you had today?
None!
That explains the empty coke cans on the table...
YOU DRANK MY COKE!!
Oh my...
Your what?
Huh?
You said “Oh my”. Your what?
Never mind!
SUBJECT CHANGE!!
To what, pray tell?
I WANNA GO TO ZEE MARRY-GO-ROUND!!
Why?
IT GO SPINNY! -Giggle-
Wow.
LETS GO EDDY-POO!
Stop that!
Stop what?
That!
What’s that?
What’s what?
THAT!!
Enough!
Fine.
Hey guys!
ALLY-POO!!
Hello, Alice.
Edward makes no sense!
I make plenty of sense!!
No, not really.
Alice!!
Ha ha Eddy-poo...
Eddy-poo?
That’s what I said.
Emmett’s playing guitar hero. Wanna watch?
Emmett plays Guitar Hero?
Yup!
I wanna see this!
The Cullen House!
Ally poo?
Yes, Bella?
CRAP AND POO ARE THE SAME THING!!
I’m aware…
But… OOOOOOHHHH I GOTS AN IDEA!!
What is this idea?
Get Emmett to lie down on the table!!
Why?
JUST DO IT!!
-Alice proceeds to threaten Emmett’s guitar hero guitar until he agrees to lay down-
Ok, now what?
Get everyone else!!
-As they come, Bella shouts out instructions, and it isn’t long before her intentions are apparent.-
YAY!!
Bella, why is my family stacked up like… a pyramid??
NO QUESTIONS! GO UP ON TOP!!
-When Edward is in place, Bella clumsily works her way to the top, stepping on many heads and fingers. Thank god they’re vampires. Eventually, she gets to the top, and shakily stands on Edward and Alice’s backs. Once she’s straight, she pumps her fists in the air. –
Victory!!
-“Uh, Bella?” Emmett calls. “Ya?” Bella is in the middle of a small victory dance.
“The table is snapping.” “Oh crap…” The table snapped right after her statement, ending the Cullen’s flying. They tumbled, and Bella spun off, flying through a window. Eddy-Poo found her laughing her head off in a bush.
“That was fun! Lets do it again!!WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” –
The Swan Residance
What’s rigatoni, Eddy-Poo?
I have no idea.
Huh.
Is there a reason you asked?
Jess had this so called “Rigatoni” in her lunch today…
I see…
I WANT SOME RIGATONI EDDY WEDDY!!
Eddy Weddy??
DO NOT QUESTION THE MIGHTY NICKNAMES!! I WANT RIGATONI!
Then go make some.
But I dunno what it is….
Then why in the world would you want to eat it?
Dunno... it sounds interesting…. OMG THERES A SPIDER IN YOUR HAIR!! Ha ha, made ya look.
Is that… Pepsi?
Yup. Gotta problem with the big P?
The Big P?
The big P... TBP!! Awwwwsssssoooommmmmeeee……
Go look up rigatoni in the dictionary.
What’s rigatoni?
I don’t know…
Huh…WOAH!
What now?
DEJAVOUS! Wow! Spiffy word…. De ja vous….
It’s not the best word in the world…
De ja vous
Why?
De ja vous
Interesting.
De ja vous
Hi Bella! Hi Eddy Poo!
De ja vous
Huh?
She’s become obsessed with that word.
You mean de-
Don’t say it!
De ja vous! Stop stealing the paper with supa speed!!
By the way, I had a vision.
De ja vous. What was it?
You wanted rigatoni.
-Alice hands her a plate of rigatoni, and Bella glares at it.-
De ja vous. Rigatoni is stupid. I don’t want it.
-As Bella tries to hand Alice back the pasta, she falls, her face landing straight in the dish.-
IT’S HOT!!IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!
Oh my god, Bella, are you okay? Edward, don’t growl at me! It’s not my fault!
Edward?
Yes, love?
De ja vous.
The Cullen Residance
Carlisle- Bold, Underline, Italics.
They should have a national De ja vous day.
Who is “They”, anyway?
Bwahahahahahahahaha, a new topic to contemplate!!
Lovely.
You is they!
Huh?
THEY IS EDDY! YAY THEY!
Great.
I IS A KUMQUAT!
A what?
I’s a kit kat kumquat!
Put. The. Coke. Down.
Oooooooooooooooooooo
Now the chocolate….
EDDY-POO! NAUGHTY NAUGHTY BOY!
What?
You stole my eyes.
I did WHAT?
Stole my eyes. I BLIND! I BLIND!
I didn’t steal your eyes.
Then how come I can’t see?
You closed your eyes.
No I didn’t.
Yes, you did.
No, I didn’t. I couldn’t have, CAUSE I GOT NO EYES TO CLOSE!!
I didn’t take your eyes, Bella.
I know. THE BUMBLE BRE TOOK THEM!!
You mean bumble bee?
NO! BUMBLE BRE!
I’m not even gonna ask…
MY NOSE!!
Huh?
CHARLIE STOLE MY NOSE!
?
When I was a kid, he said “Got your nose!” BUT HE NEVER GAVE IT BACK!
Would you like me to find you a new nose, Bella?
MY EAR!!
…
FACE BANDIT!
??
THE BUMBLE BRE STOLE MY FACE!!
Bumble bre?
I think she’s broken.
I GOT NO EYES!
I GOT NO NOSE!
I GOT NO EARS!
IT’S A FACE BANDIT!
FACE ASSAULT!
RAPE!
RAPE!!
I think you’re right…
HELP ME KEEP MY MOUTH!!
No one is going to take your mouth, Bella.
CAUSE THE BUMBLE BRE’S NOT A ONE, IT’S A FACE BANDIT!!
I’m getting Carlisle to sedate her.
Is Carlisle the face bandit in disguise??
No.
I GOT NO MOUTH!
Yes, you do.
I got him.
Bella?
CARLISLE? IT’S FACE BANDIT! FACE ATTACK! RAPE! RAPE!
Look at Alice, dear.
WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY?
She’s the face bandit.
OHMIGEE!
-As Bella looks at Alice in shock, Carlisle puts a needle in her arm.-
AHHHH!! THE FACE….bandit…made me… tired…ish…. –SNORE-
Finally!
READ THIS! THERE’S A CHAPTER IN IT FOR YA! I just thought I should clear up ALL confusion over fonts. So, here ya go. Refer back to this if you’re confuzzled.
Bella- Italics
Edward- Bold
Alice- Regular
Jasper-Bold italics
Emmett- Underlined
Rosalie-Underline, italics
Any minor character (Carlisle, Esme, Mike, etc. I’ll tell you who specifically at the top of the chapter)- Bold, Italics, Underlined
Well, ya. I’m an idiot. I’m writing more chapters on paper. Well, ya.. I don’t wanna post an A/N without a chapter…so, ya. Here you go.
English Class
BAGEL!
Huh?
BAGEL BONES!
What?
Bagel army, ATTACK!
Bagels are disgusting.
Phooey! YOU JUST DON’T LIKE THEM CAUSE THEY GOT NO BLOOD!
Interesting assumption.
What are we doing after school?
I’m not at liberty to say.
EDDY-POO!
Let’s just say it involves a lot of Alice and Rosalie, if you catch my drift.
OH NOES! MAKEOVER!
Yup.
Eddy- Freddy?
Eddy-Freddy??
Yus.
Wow.
Guess what?
What?
IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S A BAGEL!
Geography
OMG! OMG!
What?
PEI!
English?
Prince Edward Island!
Go do your work
But seriously! You own an island!!
If I owned an island, wouldn’t I know?
Ya, unless…. YOU KEPT IT A SECRET SO YOU COULD GIVE IT TO ME! Aww, Eddy-poo, I love it!
What??
No one’s ever given me an island before!
But…you…I….huh?
I should rename it…
I don’t own PEI, Bella.
That’s right. Cause you gave it to me.
Bella, I’m not giving you PEI.
Why? Don’t you luff me enough??
I didn’t own it in the first place.
THEN WHY IS IT PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND??
I dunno, cause PRINCE EDWARD owns it!
But….
You look heartbroken…
Well, it was an island!!
You won’t let me get you a car, or a cell phone for that matter, but you want me to give you an island?
Yup.
Ugg. Conversation over. The teacher’s suspicious.
But…
No.
That was…amusing.
NO IT WASN’T
It wasn’t funny. IT WAS HILARIOUS!
You have to admit it Bella.
I happen to be afraid of chipmunks!!
That’s what made it funny…
I’ve eaten chipmunk before. Waaay to many nuts in the diet.
Rosalie!
Rose!
EEEEEWWWW. But… IT HAD SHARP DAGGER TEETH!
It was eating a peanut.
WITH IT’S DAGGER TEETH!!
She’s genuinely terrified.
Am I the only one who missed this happening?
Apparently…
Well, we were outside, and Bella had a bag of peanuts. She couldn’t get them open, so she gave them to me. I did that popping thing, where you push all the air to one side to open it, and it opened, sending peanuts flying. Eventually, a chipmunk comes out, and Bella, who was on the ground scooping the nuts up-
They was dying! I had to save them! RESCUE HEROS GO!!
Let me finish! So she starts rolling around and screaming “Mutant gonna eat me!!” That’s it.
Wow.
It coulda eaten me…
You’re ten times it’s size….
Still. It’s got little claws, and teeth, and… ugg…
Well, there’s the bell.
BAGELS!!
Trig.
Eddy-Poo…
Mmhmm?
I’m scared…
Of what?
My wallet…
…
It’s scary!!
Ok, I’ll bite. Why?
You’ll BITE?
You know what I mean. Why are you afraid of your wallet?
THE MONEY IS GUNNA EAT MEH!!
Oh really?
Ya
You think your money is going to “eat” you, so you complain to a vampire.
Pretty much…
Your money is not going to eat you.
Prove it!
Has it eaten you before?
Yus!
-She holds up a cut on her finger that looks strangely like a paper cut…-
That’s a paper cut, love.
NOOOOO! ITSA MONEY BITE!! SAVE MEH EDDY-POO!!
I’ve got a brilliant way to “save” you.
REALLY??
Let me buy everything!
NEVA!
Why not?
Cause.
How do you suggest we save you then?
Save her from what?
The money eating me!
-She shoves the still bleeding paper cut in Alice’s face, not realizing her eyes were black.-
Didn’t need the proximity, Bella.
You stop thinking about that RIGHT NOW!
Sheesh, ya don’t have to growl.
SSSHHH EDDY POO!
Bella?
Ya?
WE’RE BFFECWAASSH’s!
Bffecwaassh?
Best Friends For Eternity Cause We’re Awesome And Stuff So Ha!
NOW, WE MUST BECOME NINJA’S AND HUNT IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT!
Why?
To save me from Fred!
Who is Fred?
MY MONEY DUH!!
You named your money?
Only the evil ones…
Wow.
He’s just jealous cause he doesn’t have a Bffecwaassh!
HO HO HO! NINJAS AHOY!!
What the heck is that? A pirate ninja Santa??
Awsome idea Eddy-Poo! Now, TO ZEE MALL!!
Alice?
Bella?
You said that out loud.
Your point being?
We’re in the middle of class, and now everyone is staring at us…
Woops…
Blah blah blah. No one cares!!
Huh?
Mr. Banner. I don’t care! PFFT!!
Oh my…
What?
Are you listening? He just gave us a first grade type assignment. We have to make a model… with popsicle sticks! And paint, and glitter! He just wants us busy so he can collect his pay without working…
Wow…
OMG! EDWARD! LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!
What the… ALICE!
I’M SOOOOO SORRY!! I WASN’T WATCHING!
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
EDWARD!!I DUNNO!!
ALICE!! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS!
BELLA! What are you two freaking out about?
What are we wearing, Bella?
T-shirts and shorts…
And what’s the sky like outside?
Clear and sunny…
And what do vampires do in the sun?
Sparkle
And what are we?
Vampires.
So, you see our problem.
OH….. Weeelll….there is always….
Why are you looking.. oh no! nonononononono!! No way!
It would work….
Crap. Fine, go get the glitter.
-Later that day, after the Cullens were safely home-
Why the hell are you three covered in glitter??
The sun is out, we’re in shorts and T-shirts. Do the math.
I can’t believe you had to do that…
I DID TOO! RAWR! I’M A VAMPIRE!
It was thoroughly embarrassing. Bella “fell” onto the table, waving her arms around, sending glitter flying. And we had to purposely sit within range… ugg.
RAWR! I WANNA GO EAT AN IRRITATED GRIZZLY!!
No.
That’s my thing!!
Well, looks like Alice needs to keep a better eye out.
WHAT BOUT ME? I WANNA EAT BLOOD!
NO. That’s final.
Fine. Pfft, overprotective vampire.
…
You are!!
Whatever.
OH! And Eddy-Poo?
Yes?
I’M A VAMPIRE BAGEL!!
Do you know what the most awesome invention, like, EVER is?
What?
SPORKS!
Uh…
They’re like, cool, and… stuff.
Why?
They’re spoons and forks mixed together!!
Oh.
OMG! I JUST GOT IT! FORKS! A EATING UTENSIL, AND A TOWN!!
You just realized that now?
Meh-be…
Right. Is there a reason you’re obsessed with sporks today?
Do you pay attention during lunch?
No.
Well, Jessica was using one today.
Huh.
Do ya know what’s even better than sporks??
Do I want to know?
THAT AIR FRESHINER THAT SQUIRTS AUTOMATICLLY! I MEAN, IT’S LIKE IT HAS A BRAIN!!
Hmm.
BUY ME ONE EDDY-POO!
Ok then…
ONE THAT’S VAMPIRE SCENTED!
I don’t think those are on the market just yet…
Aww….
Ok. Wanna go buy a normal one?
OK!!
Swan residence
I WANNA HOT DOG EDDY-POO!
I’ll give you a hot dog… throw the mutt in the oven….
BEHAVE!!
Pfft.
GO MAKE ME A HOT DOG! ONE I CAN EAT!!
Fine.
-He makes her a hot dog. Once it’s done, she stares blankly at the hot dog.-
What?
IT GOT NO KETCHUP!!
Sooooo?
GET ME KETCHUP!!
Get up and get it for yourself… why do you want ketchup anyway?
It looks like bloooooooddddd…..
…
-He rolls his eyes and gets the ketchup.-
Here.
WEEEE!!
Huh.
BEWARRRREEEE!!
-She opens the ketchup, and points it threateningly at Eddy-poo.-
You wouldn’t dare…
Try me!!
Hey guys!
EMMETT! LOOK OUT!
-Bella squirts him with ketchup.-
BELLA!
-Charlie walks in-
What’s going on here? Wait, why am I writing notes?
BWAHAHAHAHA!
-Bella squirts Charlie with ketchup-
Wow.
-By this time, everyone expect Bella and Edward are covered in ketchup. Bella is smiling wickedly.-
Yo yo yo!
Jacob??
Mutt??
HOT DOG!!
Was up dudes??
KETCHUP!!
-Bella squirts him-
AAAAAA!!
Phew. I’m clean.
-Bella turns, and squeezes the bottle, but all that comes out is a large farting noise.-
OUTTA AMO!! RETREAT!! RETREAT!!
-Bella run out of the room screaming, leaving two vampires, a werewolf and a human soaked in ketchup-
This is what I get for making her a hot dog.
The Volvo. (Bella is driving, don’t ask me why) Jacob-Bold, Italics, underline
GOIN ON A ROOOOOAAAAADDDD TTTRRRIIIPPP!!
Do you HAVE to sing?
YUS!
…
Ohmigee…look. The mutt…he’s….
IN A DIAPER!?
On top of his pants…..
WOW.
GET A PICTURE OF THIS!!
Where do you suppose we get a camera?
HERE!!
-Bella holds up a pink disposable Dora camera.-
Alice, you take the picture.
Ok.
HERE YA GO!!
-Jacob looks over, and spotting the Volvo, blushes a thousand shades of red-
IT WAS A BET, OK?
How’d you get the paper??
I have my connections
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
What??
How would you feel if, the paper got a hold of this?
!!
How would you feel if he wore the diaper of his own accord?
STAY OUTTA MY HEAD!!
WHAT?? My best friend wears diapers??
I thought I was your BFFECWAASSH!!
No, he’s my UWBFCY!
Ohh….
Uwbfcy?
Ugly werewolf best friend cause ya.
!!
Ha, you’re ugly mutt!!
LEECH!
DOG!!
PARASITE!!
CANINE!
VAMPIRE!
WEREWOLF!
CHARILE!!
Huh?
Wha??
You guys were shouting the names out loud, and Charlie’s over there gaping.
Oh crap….
HE STARTED IT!!
Charlie pulls out a camera. “Say cheese!”-
What the….??
Wow…
Huh?
What does he think he’s doing??
Hey, yo!
Aren’t you a little old to be playing dress up, Newton?
Oh ha ha! So, Bella. Like the hair? Very…y’know, rebel like?
IT’S GREEN! AND POINTY!!
Duh. It’s a Mohawk.
HA! Nice one, Emm.
What? Emmett, what did you do??
NOTHING, I SWEAR!
He told Newton you liked “rebels”
!!
You… you don’t?
NO!
But…my hair…
Emmett!
I see a very painful future for Emmett.
Ha! He’s got that right! Edddyyyyy-Ppppoooo!!
Yes?
Beat Emmett up for me?
Gladly.
Well, what the heck do I do now? I HAVE GREEN HAIR!
That’s your problem, Newton.
Can I eat it?
No.
But…
Why would you want to eat it?
It smells good…
So do you.
!!
Kidding, love.
I’m eating it.
More like drinking.
EWWW!! IT TASTES LIKE…GROSSNESS!
…
Why did you let me eat lotion??
“It smells good”
NOW I’M GUNNA GET SICK AND PUKE AND GO DIE IN A HOLE!!
Why in a hole?
CHICKEN!!
How does that explain anything whatsoever?
Because, the chicken will find the bagel, forcing the kumquat to hide under the sofa, at which point the hats will do an Irish step dance, which will frighten the ice cream enough to propel the cheese from the fridge, making the chicken run away, dragging me with it, into the hole. Got it?
No. How do the hats do an Irish step dance without legs?
The hats will grow legs after the t-rex finishes climbing the tree, which will scare the cantaloupe, causing it to-
Ok, I get it.
Fine. But, in the end, always remember that lemons can beat fire extinguishers anytime, anywhere.
Sleep. Now.
Cullen house
Eddy poo?
Yes?
I hate Alice.
What happened?
She bought me a boomerang.
Oh lord.
So me and Emmett were playing with it, trying to get it to each other before it came back for us-
You played catch with Emmett??
Yes, but that’s not the point.
Then what is?
PINK WATERMELON!
Huh?
We went into a watermelon field. I threw the boomerang, and then it tried to eat me-
You mean it came back?
Yes. So I ran away, tripping over the watermelon-
Of course.
LET ME FINISH! So I trip and my head crashes through a watermelon. So, in the end, we have learned thing are never like they are on the outside.
You mean, “Appearances can be deceiving”?
That too.
Wait, how did you get that from falling into a watermelon?
It’s green inside, pink outside!
You mean pink inside, and green outside?
Meh-be….
The moral of the story is don’t play catch with Emmett, using a boomerang, in a watermelon field, especially if you’re a danger magnet.
You are like so… wrong and stuff.
Cullen House
I WILL kill her for this.
For what?
Giving you that.
Oh, but I a mousey now!!
No, you are a helium filled human now.
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Mice squeak, they don’t buzz.
YA THEY DO! THEY BUZZ LIKE A BEE! OMG! THE BUMBLE BRE IS BACK!
Oh no. Alice is dead.
She’s gunna steal ma voice!!
-Bella shrieks, and since she’s full of helium, she hears her “chipmunk” voice.-
TOO LATE! SHE STEALED MY VOICE!
Who stole what now?
Emmett, do me a favor and go get Alice.
I’m here. What’s the problem?
MIKE NEWTON AND THE BUMBLE BRE ARE GUNNA STEAL MY TOENAILS!
What happened?
You gave her that balloon, and now… look at her. You broke her. I swear, when she goes home-
Ok, enough threats.
Bella’s fun this way!
FUN IN THE SUN! OH NO! THE SUN’S HELPING MIKE NEWTON STEAL MY BABY!
What baby?
YOUR BABY!
I have a baby?
NO! It’s the Mohawks baby!
Right.
Eddie, if you’re a vampire, why don’t chya have a cape?
Because, that’s not what real vampires look like.
Deviled eggs! ZEE SWAN OF SAITEN!
You mean the spawn of Saiten?
Rubber cats!
That’s it. I’m finding Carlisle.
Oh, boogers
. -Edward pulls Carlisle into the room, where Emmett holds Bella down so Carlisle can sedate her. Once Bella is asleep, Edward turns to Alice with a wicked glint in his eye.
“I’ll give you a ten second head start.”-
Swan Residence
Three words.
I love you?
Try again.
Thank you Edward?
Nope. WHAT THE HELL!
It’s valantines day.
I’M AWARE!
I had to get you something!
THEN BE NORMAL AND GET ME FLOWERS OR CHOCOLATE!
I wanted to surprise you!
Mission accomplished! What happens if Jasper gets hungry, huh?
It’s way to small, Bella.
UGG!
Oh well. It was easier than I thought would be.
Well, my kitten now requires a name.
I don’t know!
Grizz!
Grizz? What kind of name is Grizz?
Like a grizzly. Look, if I push him on his hind legs, he looks like a grizzly.
Wow. He does.
EDDY’S A POTATO CHIP!
Huh?
SPOOF!
Let’s go show Charlie your new cat.
FIZZ! GRIZZ! LIZZ! MIZZ!
Mizz?
GIZZY GRIZZY!
Let’s go.
Cullen house.
Courtney stole it!!
Who is Courtney and what did she steal?
COURTNEY STOLE MY DIGNATY!
I don’t think you had any dignity left for her to steal.
Emmett…
Ya ya… I’m quiet now.
How did Courtney steal your dignity?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Alice! NO LAFFY!YOU PROMISED!!
It was funny!
NO IT WASN’T
What was or wasn’t funny?
I was trying to call Charlie from a payphone, one of the ones in a booth. Alice closed the door, and it locked. I tried to get out, by tipping around-
A hill isn’t the best place for a telephone booth…
A HILL! WHAT HILL??
LET ME FINISH! I tipped over-
Rectangles roll!
POOF! I tipped and it rolled down the hill into a lake.
I had to bail her out.
COURTNEY PUSHED ME!!
You are NEVER going with Alice anywhere again…
YAY! NO MO SHOPPING!
HEY!
You can take her shopping if I come.
HEY! Oh wow… DE JA VOUS!!
IMMA EAT YOU EDWARD!
Huh. Really.
Yup. RAWR! I STONGER THAN YOU!
Uh huh. You believe that. I’ll sit over here with sanity.
-He pokes her gently-
OWEE! SCARY EDDY!!
Right….
-She leans back a little too far and topples backward off the bench-
Scary Eddy help me up?
Woods
I HATE MIKE!
So do I.
HE POKED ME WITH A PENCIL!
Why?
I have no… -le gasp-!
What?
-Bella stops in the middle of the path and gapes at the ground-
IS A MUSHROOM!!
I see.
-They keep walking until she does it again, maybe five steps forward.-
IS A MUSHROOM!
-Later that day-
IS A MUSHROOM!
I get it!!
What do ya get?
MUSHROOMS!
Every ten seconds she stops and shouts-
IS A MUHROOM!!
Yes. We went on an hour long walk…
HAHAHAHAHA! I SAW THAT COMING!!
OMG!!
Yes?
Bella?
KAPLOOEY! IS A SQUISHED MUSHROOM!!
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