A Last Goodbye

Written by:lilabut
You can read the original here:
All credit goes to the original author

Never say I love you
If you really don't care.

Never talk about feelings
If they aren't really there.

Never hold my hand
If you are going to break my heart.

Never say you're going to
If you don't really plan to start.

Never look into my eyes
If all you do is lie.

Never say hello
If what you really mean is goodbye.

If you really mean forever
Then say you will try.

Never say forever
Cause forever makes me cry.

Rebah A. Ward

It was a beautiful night. No clouds covered the black sky, the stars seemed brighter than usual, a soft breeze moved the leaves around me and the quick movement of the river at my feet was like music to my ears.

I lay on my back, smelling the grass beneath me, staring at the sky and trying to count the endless amount of lights up there.

My bare feet felt the soft earth that led into the river and my cold fingers played with the wild flowers surrounding me.

It was a lonely night, but I needed it. My whole family was hunting, preparing for the big day tomorrow. I had told them, I wasn’t thirsty, but I knew I would have to go hunting sometime this night.

But the desire to be alone was bigger than my physical needs. Tomorrow would be a hard day. And for the first time in about ten years, I was actually scared. Afraid to let go.

My daughter was going to marry. My only child, my everything. I would have to watch her slipping through my fingers.

She wouldn’t leave, really. She belonged here, with us, her family. But in a way, she wasn’t going to be here completely.

I had seen it, had known this day would come. From the day I accepted the undeniable bond between Nessie and my best friend Jacob, I had known it.

But all the knowledge couldn’t help me.

She was my daughter. She would never be “grown up” to me. She would always be my baby. A child to my eyes.

But on the other hand, there was no better place for her than being next to Jacob. He was the only one for her and I knew that, too.

Edward and me barely ever talked about the wedding. We accepted it in silence, but I knew him too well. He was in as much pain as I was.

Sometimes I saw him standing in Nessies old room, which still looked exactly like it did the day she moved out. Her bed was made, pictures covered the walls. It looked like she would return from school anytime. Like any normal child. But she wouldn’t.

I noticed the earth beneath me vibrating and I knew, I would not be alone any longer. I waited a few seconds, concentrating. It didn’t take much longer until I realized who was joining me.

I didn’t move an inch.

A few more seconds passed, at least, I thought so. Times passing seemed so unreal and unimportant to me now.

Then I heard someone enter the little meadow behind me, the strange, but familiar sound of a body phasing into an entirely different one, the rough sound of clothes being put on and then, heavy footsteps.

Jacob stopped next to me and I turned my head slightly to look up into his face.

“What are doing here? I thought you guys went hunting.”

“The others did.”

“Oh.”

Jacobs face suddenly looked a bit worried and I turned my head away from him.

There was silence, at least, neither of us was saying something. The beat of Jacobs heart filled my ears and I closed my eyes.

I heard him falling to the ground next to me and stretching his long body.

“You’re angry, aren’t you? That I asked Nessie to marry me. You never talk to me anymore. And you look so…. absent. All the time.”

I sighed.

“I am not angry, Jake. Don´t worry.”

“But what is with you? You look like you’re in pain and you know how much I don´t like seeing you like that.”

I opened my eyes and turned my head to face Jacob. He lay close to me and I felt the warmth radiating from his body.

“It´s not you, Jake. She’s my daughter. Seeing her leave, it would give me nightmares.”

“But we’re staying, Bella. We aren’t going anywhere. Did you think we would –“

“No, I didn’t. But still, in a way she is leaving me. Don´t you understand that?”

He didn’t answer me. His dark eyes were fixed on my face.

“I think I do.”

His voice was just a whisper and suddenly I realized how much he must understand. The feeling a goodbye causes, when the person you are saying goodbye to, is actually not really leaving at all. When that person stays, but is still gone. For you.

“Do you ever think about it?”

Jacob looked confused now.

“About what?”

“Us.”

The confusion on his face vanished and something else appeared, something I couldn’t quite define.

“Do you?”, he repeated my question.

I bit my lower lip, concentrating.

“From time to time.”

“What times?”

He looked rather curious now, but I knew that he meant everything as seriously as I did.

“When I see you and Nessie together.”

Pictures appeared in my head. My daughter in Jacobs arms, laughing, happy. The two of them under the huge Christmas tree Alice had decorated two years ago…

“What do think about?”

It took me a minute to answer. I tried to push all the memories out of my head and fixed my eyes on Jacob again.

“I see things.”

“What things?”

“I see what might have been. How different my life would be right now.”

We stared into each others eyes. I could hear nothing else but Jacobs heartbeat and his heavy breathing.

“I mostly see us, sitting on a porch together. Looking older and happy. I see children running at the beach, I see my parents, old and grey. Real grandparents. You always hold my hand in those visions. I hear the kids laughing and playing in the water. I smell the salt in the sea. And I feel the heat of your skin. And I can always hear my heart beating.”

When I finished, I felt strangely empty. I didn’t have a lot of secrets nowadays and this had been by far the biggest one. My secret thoughts about a life I had left behind.

I felt guilty for thinking so and I couldn’t really tell if it was a good idea to tell Jacob about it. He looked stunned and in a way, he looked sad.

The last time I had seen sadness in his eyes, had been the day his father had died. His pain had always been my pain and I couldn’t help myself. I took his too-big-hand in mine.

“You can hear your heart?”

I nodded. His voice was low and rough.

“You know, sometimes I think about us, too. I don´t see things, but I feel them. I wonder. But then I see Nessies eyes and I know things are perfect the way they are now.”

“Yeah… they are.”

Jacobs fingers softly brushed against my marble skin and the feeling was strange to me. The contrast between us had always been enormous, even when we were both still human.

But ever since I became a vampire, our bodies seemed like they were from different planets. And the sensation of our skin together was always something special to me.

“Bella?”

“What is it?”

His voice was so low, I couldn’t image a human would have heard it, even if Jacob had whispered it right into their ears.

“Did you ever regret your decision?”

I shortly hesitated.

“No. As you said, everything is perfect the way it is right now. But I do regret some things.”

“What things?”

“The pain I put you through. Sometimes I think I should have found a different way.”

“It was worth it though, in the end. Wasn’t it?”

“I don´t know. What do you think?”

Now he hesitated. Then he lifted his free hand and gently laid it against my cheek.

“I think it was. I mean, if you hadn’t chosen Edward, I would never have met Nessie. She wouldn’t exist. And she is most important to me now. You know what I mean? My pain was the key. In the end.”

“Interesting theory. “

We both smiled. His burning thumb brushed against my lips and I closed my eyes.

“It was real, though. Wasn’t it? We would have made it? That future, I see. The future I left behind. It could have been, right?”

Jacob didn’t answer and I opened my eyes again.

He smiled at me.

“I am sure it would. In a way, we were meant for each other. We would have been happy.”

“Yes. You always made me happy.”

“Will you tell Nessie one day?”

I was confused by his sudden change of subject.

“What?”

“About us. What we were.”

I sighed.

“I don´t think so. Maybe. But… don´t you think it would be kind of strange and difficult for her? Because, for me, we still are.”

I now lifted my own free hand and laid it on Jacobs bare chest, right over his heart.

“I think so, too. From time to time.”

I laughed again.

We didn’t say a word for a while. They just weren´t necessary. I listened to Jacobs heart and felt his touch on my skin.

I moved closer to him and buried my face in his chest.

Jacob moved his hand away from my face and put his arm around my body instead. He pulled me even closer to him and I closed my eyes.

For a moment, I surrendered. I left behind the life I had chosen and tried to imagine how I could have felt with Jacob. Again, my vision appeared in front of my eyes. Clearer now. More real.

I heard the kids again, saw them. Dark haired, laughing and smiling Jacobs smile, my smile.

Jacob and I were on the porch again, watching our kids. But this time, I was sitting on Jacobs lap, his arms tight around me. We were smiling and again, I could feel and hear my heart beating. I could even feel the warmth of my own skin.

Our faces became clearer to me. I saw how the years had left their marks on my face, but in a way, it didn’t bother me. Jacob looked as youthful and boyish as always, when smiling his “human Jacob” smile.

“I love you.”

It was my imaginary Jacob saying it out loud while rubbing my back. And it was the real Jacob, whispering it into my ear.

My vision vanished and I felt reality again. The grass, the earth, the river, the wind and Jacob.

I opened my eyes and moved a bit, so I could look into his face.

“I love you, too.”

We smiled, knowing that our words meant nothing in reality, but I was sure that he could see it, too. See us together, in a long forfeited future.

My hand moved away from his heart and I rested it on his cheek. No hesitation and no doubt came over me, when I moved closer to him again and softly brushed my lips against his.

I could hear his heartbeat go faster and I smiled against his lips.

When we parted, I felt a little bit of hope inside me. I knew we belonged together, in a way. But he belonged to my daughter now. And it suddenly felt right to me.

“Is this the last goodbye, then?”

His voice was steady, as he brushed my hair behind my ear.

“I think so. But things won’t really change. We just have to leave them behind. Finally.”

“Yes.”

“But that future will always be a part of me. As well as our past.”

“Same with me.”

He kissed my nose and then, let go of me.

I rolled back on my back and stared at the sky again, feeling my surrounding. But I wasn’t lonely anymore. Jacob was by my side now. He would always be. Those memories would never vanish.

“Nervous about your big day?”

I asked with a smile on my face, imagining Jacob in a suit.

He laughed loud, the wolf breaking through and I joined him.

“You wish.”