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Darkness weighed heavily on me for so long that when I escaped it I felt worn out but still full of life. I felt what one would feel after living a full day, ready to fall asleep on one’s bed, ready to live another day like that in the morning. I felt like I’d gone on a journey, I felt wiser somehow even though I haven’t moved. I felt whole. I never felt that something was missing but now that something has filled the gap, I realized that I was more complete than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
I opened my eyes. I didn’t know what to expect but my sight made me behold a man sitting across from me. I looked at him intently, trying to absorb his features. His hair was of a peculiar color, bronze, I thought and it was in disarray. His features, very much defined, were tense, as was his perfectly chiseled jaw. His green eyes that held every green hue, arranged into a glittering halo, looked into mine as if he knew my secrets, as if he could see my soul, as if he could see ME. I looked straight into his eyes and whatever emotion that was behind it and slowly, I smiled.
“Everything’s fine, I’m here,” he said in a velvet-soft voice. I felt my body relax. “Don’t tire yourself, you’ll be talking soon.”
I frowned, not knowing why this man would talk to me that way – like my safety mattered to him. I wanted to say something but his words echoed in my mind and I relaxed once ore. I hesitated, because even though this man was a stranger, he still cared, so I gave him another smile. Sleep overtook me then.
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When I awoke I saw my mother, Renee, looking down at me with her eyes glistening the way they always did when I did something new. I couldn’t remember how long I’ve been in the hospital, how long I’ve been asleep, or how I even got there in the first place. I wanted to ask her but I couldn’t. Every time I tried to open my mouth to speak, she would stop me, telling me that when the time was right I would be able to speak again. Remembering all that I had learned in all my years as a doctor, I assessed myself. I added what I figured out to what the doctors, my colleagues tell me when they come in for their rounds.
I was in an accident, I’ve been comatose for more than six months. From what I gathered, I put everyone through hell and I wanted to apologize, but I couldn’t. Not yet. Renee talked to me every single day. I was never alone, not even when Renee went home to change or go out to eat because he was always there. Edward, that was what Renee called him.
He looked so gentle, so caring. When he and my mother looked at each other it was like they shared something so great that it didn’t need any words. With the wisdom that I felt I carried the day I opened my eyes for the first time in months, I knew that it had everything to do with me. Whatever these two people shared, it was about me. And they looked at me as if I knew.
Everyday, both Edward and Renee would be with me. They would take turns: one or the other would be with me at all times. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know they were there, I felt them, I knew deep in my soul that they were watching over me.
The man, Edward, would sit and talk to me everyday. I never answered, I couldn’t, but I looked at him intently as I tried to absorb everything he had to tell me about the outside world. He was so wise; there was a look in his eye that stuck a chord in me. In the middle of his talks he would take my hand, kiss it gently, look at me and continue talking again. I felt jealous slightly, that he had seen so much of the world and I found myself wishing that I could see the world with him. That last part surprised me. It was without hesitation that when I looked to my future, or when I envisioned the day before me – despite the veil that I put over the tomorrows of my life – I imagined being next to this man who looked at me like I was the only person in the world.
My heart went out to him and I wanted to thank him for all his generosity but I still didn’t understand to whom or to what I owed the pleasure of having this man next to me every single day.
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I woke up one day when Renee glance at me and smiled, her eyes brimming with tears. I smiled when I saw the appreciation in Renee’s eyes. It was like every time I opened my eyes it was a miracle to her. She took care of me and never left my side when I knew it must have been horrible to her to sit next to me all those months not knowing if I was still alive, if I was ever going to wake up.
I had to tell her. “Mom,” I said in a very raspy voice that I almost didn’t recognize. She gasped, left the flowers that she was trying to put into a vase on my bedside table and took my hand.
“Yes, Bella,” she whispered.
“Thanks.” I said, “I love you.” My voice cracked in all places but I knew she understood when she came and hugged me tightly.
“Oh, Bella!” she cried as tears fell from her eyes, just as they fell from mine. Afterwards, she looked at her watch. “Oh, I’ll be right back.” She said quickly. I closed my eyes as I danced with the sandman.
I was on the edge of sleep and wakefulness when I heard the door open and the side of the bed sink as someone sat down. I was going to ignore it, to keep floating to sleep when I felt him run his hand over my hair.
Softly, his hands traveled to my forehead and I heard him whisper, “How I’ve missed the sound of your voice.”
I couldn’t try to sleep any longer. I opened my eyes and I placed my hand on his. I looked at him questioningly, wondering, asking myself and him with my eyes the questions that have built up inside me for days. I stared straight into his eyes, still asking him with the, when I opened my mouth to ask the most important questions: “Who are you? Why are you here every day?”
I knew that he instantly understood my confusion. Albeit his visits every single day, talking to me like I was his best friend in the whole world, looking at me like I was the love of his life, he did not pull back, he was not surprised when I asked him who he was. He wasn’t the least bit disappointed that I didn’t remember him – I’m sure I just did not remember him because I knew deep in my heart that there was something I shared something indescribable with this man.
He gently squeezed my hand as he breathed in. I almost heard his heart skip a bit as he smiled his crooked smile that I have come to love. He smiled as he looked at me with great tenderness and love – my heart enveloping his whole being even more – and he replied:
“What I have to tell you is not easy to understand, impossible to accept. But if you will listen to our story – if you are willing to trust me – then maybe in the end you’ll believe me. And it’s very important that you, in particular, should believe me. For without knowing it, you are the only person in the world I can share our secret with.”
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